The Mission
by MrsPopo
Summary: So sorry for the long wait...here are two chapters, the last chapter is in the works. Cid and Vincent are looking for the answer to the question on everyone's mind: Are Tifa's endowments real? Please read and review!
1. Default Chapter

CH.1  
  
CID! YOU PERVERT! Tifa let out an impressive scream that echoed throughout the Highwind. It was followed by an even more impressive scream, this time from Cid, as he felt the wrath of Tifa through her Final Heaven, just before slamming the bathroom door in his face. Elsewhere on the Highwind, Red XIII awoke from his nap with a sudden jerk, Cait Sith stopped playing with the shiny big buttons at the controls, Yuffie looked up from her puking, Vincent snapped out of his reverie of Lucrecia, Cloud tripped and stumbled down the stairs leading to the cockpit, and Barret instinctively lifted his right gun hand into the air and began to shoot wildly. After the brief anarchy died down, a moment of eerie silence crept over the Highwind, its occupants wondering just what the hell Cid had done. Cloud looked over at Yuffie with a look on his face. Yuffie opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was yet more inhuman amounts of vomit. Cloud just did his characteristic shrug. Red XIII yawned, and returned to his slumber, as Cait Sith's attention was led to a large red button, and Barrett was now busy moving boxes and crates to cover the damage he had done to the Highwind. Vincent however, was still curious.  
What was that all about? he asked aloud.  
  
Cait Sith: Wonder what this one does  
Red XIII:   
Yuffie:   
Barret : Shit! How the hell am I gonna explain this to Cid   
Cloud: Hey look! I found a gil on the floor!   
Vincent:   
  
Sighing, Vincent made his way to the bathroom. Someone has got to make sure we still have a pilot, he thought to himself. As he approached the bathroom, he spotted Cid standing not but one inch from the door. He had a look of disbelief and shock on his cut and bruised face, his jaw was dropped, and the ever present cigarette lay burning at his feet.   
Um, Cid? Vincent began.   
Not now, Vinny let me relish this moment Cid replied dreamily.   
Vincent repeated.   
I said not now, you son of a whore Cid said, dreamy tone unchanged.   
Okay, but it may interest you to know that your cigarette is catching the carpet on fire Vincent calmly informed Cid.   
Aw, shit! Cid exclaimed snapping back to reality. Vincent watched silently as Cid stomped on the smoldering carpet, shouting every obscenity under Meteor, and mumbling sorrowfully about wasting a cigarette.   
Vincent cleared his throat. Cid looked up at him startled, as though he had forgotten Vincent was standing there. Suddenly, Cid's eyes lit up, grew to a grotesque size, and glossed over dreamily. Vincent jumped back surprised, and placed his hand over the gun at his hip, ready to shoot anything so damn cute, even if it was his close friend.   
Oh Vincent! Cid exclaimed. I can die happy seeing what I have just seen!   
Sounds like you almost did. Vincent replied deadpan. Cid continued.   
I opened the door, and there Tifa was, fresh from her shower. So beautiful, so well-endowed, so nude!   
Vincent yelled, disgusted in his friends voyeurism. Don't you know how to knock? You invade a person's privacy, a lady at that, and you have the nerve to stand here and   
She was so taut, so womanly, so   
I will not stand here and listen to such rude   
You should have seen it Vincent! Especially that magnificent set of- Cid stopped suddenly, looked thoughtful, and brought a hand up to his chin.   
Wonder if those boobs are real? Hmmm What do you think Vincent? Think those puppies are natural?   
Vincent's jaw dropped in disbelief. Had he no shame at all? Still, that particular question had crossed Vincent's mind once or twice, as ashamed as he was to admit it. He may have been a respectful man who abhorred sin, but he was still a man, and no man that met Tifa could keep from noticingthose.   
Vincent blushed slightly, and turned his head away from Cid. I will not stand here and answer such a derogatory question. He replied. Cid just chuckled, noticing his friend actually had a trace of color to his face, and for Vincent, that must have been blushing.   
Sure, sure, Cid replied. But haven't you ever wondered? I mean, when you see them uncovered like that, huge, heaving things, it only makes ya wonder more. I mean, they are just so damn BIG   
Vincent interrupted, but to no avail.   
I mean honestly, aren't you a little curious? Cid asked innocently.   
I really haven't noticed. Vincent lied, not too convincingly.   
You dirty son of a bitch, you have checked them out! Ha ha! I knew it! Not even an uptight old prude like you can keep from staring at those puppies! Cid taunted.   
Vincent turned a little bit redder, but was determined not to lose his composure.   
  
But I can't blame ya man! How long has it been since you've had a little action? Let's see, you were sealed in a coffin for 30 damn years   
Vincent hissed, not liking the unusual sensation of blushing.   
So I guess Lucrecia was the last time you had a little funCid continued.   
That did it.   
CID, THERE ARE FOUR HELLSPAWNED BEASTS RAGING WITHIN IN ME, AND THEY DON'T LIKE YOU!!!!!   
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Cid shook his head. So uptight. It must be hard on youGet it? Hard on? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   
If it weren't for Tifa exiting the bathroom, Cid might have died never knowing the truth behind Tifa's endowments, and Vincent would have yet another sin to add to his list. However, Vincent found his composure once again, and Cid stifled his crass laughter. Tifa gave Cid a death glare. Cid smiled sheepishly.   
You really ought to be ashamed of yourself, Cid Highwind! Most people have the common courtesy to knock on a bathroom door before they enter it! And most people aren't so unbelievably rude as to just gawk at what they see when they do forget to knock!   
Tifa glanced over at Vincent. She put a hand on his shoulder and looked back at Cid.   
Like Vincent here. Unlike you Cid, he wouldn't just stare at me if he walked in on me, would you Vincent? Tifa looked back at Vincent.   
Ummm, no I wouldn't. Vincent replied meekly, knowing damn good and well he would.   
Tifa looked satisfied with this answer, as she turned back to a smirking Cid. That's right. She told him confidently. That's because Vincent is a gentleman. You could learn a thing or two from him. Sticking her nose into the air Tifa walked off. As soon as she was gone, Cid was cracking up, pointing at Vincent.   
A gentleman! BWAHAHA! Dirty little boob-obsessed bastard is more like it! Cid shouted.   
Vincent replied, holding back every shred of temptation to let Chaos loose.   
Aww Vinny, Cid sighed between the remnants of his laughter. I'm on a mission now. I've just got to knoware they real?   
Vincent glared at Cid. A huh? Vincent asked sarcastically.   
Hell yeah! Cid replied. I mean I've got to know the truth! Silicon or 100% real meat? You should help me!   
I see. Vincent said quietly. Meteor creeps closer and closer to the earth every day, threatening mankind's existence for all eternity, and you're going on a to find out if Tifa has had breast implants, and you want me to help you   
Cid replied, missing any hint of ridiculousness in his plan.   
Vincent replied as he began to walk away.   
Fine! Suit yourself, ya little shit! But when I find out the truth, don't expect me to let you in on it!   
Vincent stopped in his tracks. He looked back at Cid, standing there with that dirty little smirk on his face, a new cigarette between his teeth, that wild glint in his eyesNo, Vincent thought. He wouldn't be able to keep something like that from anyone for too longwould he? It would drive him crazy, if he did. He would always wonder, is Tifa really that curvy naturally?   
Vincent sighed. Forgive me, Lucrecia What's the plan, you lech?


	2. Ch 2

CH.2  
Me! Why not you? This was your idea anyway. Vincent was whispering harshly at Cid. Cid rolled his eyes at Vincent.   
Look, you have to be the one to grab Tifa, because you are the Cid held up both hands and made imaginary quotations around the word gentleman', mocking Vincent. Vincent scowled.   
Believe me Vinny, I'd love to be the designated boob-squeezer, but she'd know it wasn't an accident if I fell on those puppies. Cid explained.   
Will you stop calling them puppies? Vincent grumbled.   
You know the plan right? Cid asked completely ignoring Vincent.   
It's not terribly complicated Cid. You pilot the Highwind, announce and take a sharp turn. I'll be talking with Tifa, therefore standing next to her. When we all go tumbling over due to your imaginary turbulence, I will grab Tifa's breasts, as though it were an accident, and verify if they are indeed real, or have been surgically enhanced. Vincent reviewed.   
That's perfect Vincent! Cid praised as Vincent rolled his eyes. We just have to clear a few things up though.   
Vincent eyed Cid questioningly. What things? he asked.   
Well for one, have you ever groped a boob? Cid blurted out. You need to be able to know if it feels unnatural and all.   
There's that damn blushing sensation again, Vincent thought to himself. I really hate that.   
Of course I've groped boo-, I mean, breasts before! Well, not really groped. More like Vincent stated, trying to sound at least a little dignified.   
Dammit Vincent, we don't have time to caress! I want you to grab on and squeeze! Cid yelled, completely unaware of the look he and Vincent were getting from the nearby Barret.   
It's not what it sounds like Barret. Vincent insisted. No, it's a lot worse than what it sounds like, Vincent thought to himself. Barret just nodded, looking confused and skeptical, but eventually turned his gaze elsewhere.   
Will you keep it down! Vincent hissed at Cid.   
Cid said, barely audible. Anyway, you thank you can do that? Don't sit there and try to titillate her, Mr. Gentleman   
Oh shut up, I think I can manage. Vincent replied.   
Good. Now, the other thing. Cid continued. Be careful with that damn claw. Don't slice off her-   
Okay Cid, I got it! Vincent interrupted. And I thought I was morbid, Vincent told himself.   
Okay then. You go talk to her, and leave the rest to me. Cid made his way to the cockpit, and took the controls. Vincent took a deep breath and strolled casually but confidently to Tifa. Here goes nothing   
Tifa was standing in her usual position, gazing out the window of the Highwind, blissfully unaware of all the plotting and scheming going on behind her back. Vincent approached her, and stood as close to her as he could without arousing suspicion. Tifa turned to Vincent and smiled sweetly.   
Hello Vincent. she greeted cheerily. Vincent gulped, feeling guilt spread through him like a virus. No turning back now, he told himself.   
Hello Tif-   
Cid shouted at the top of his lungs. The Highwind took a sharp and sudden turn, lurched forward and dove. Everyone except for Cid, who was hanging on to the controls for dear life, went flying this way and that way. Tifa lurched forward, right at Vincent. Now's my chance, Vincent realized. Putting his right hand forward, he prepared himself for a handful ofYuffie?   
Somehow, the turbulence Cid had created, had been enough to launch Yuffie into the main deck, across the room, between Vincent and Tifa, and had neatly placed Yuffie's breast in Vincent's hand. The Highwind returned to normal, with Cid cussing up a storm over the failed plan. Vincent was standing shocked at what he was holding. Yuffie was smiling sheepishly, and blushing. Tifa and the rest were cracking up over the whole scene. Vincent jerked his hand away, and damned if he didn't see disappointment in the teenage ninja's face.   
Vincent, I didn't know you had Lolita syndrome! Tifa teased.   
Yeah, looks like you got some action! Cloud jeered.   
Damn cradle robber! Barret laughed. Vincent wasn't quite sure how many shades of red it was possible for a human being to turn, but he was sure he was setting a record.   
Sorry Yuffie, I Vincent began.   
Oh it's okay, Vinny. Yuffie insisted. I don't mind.   
Vincent turned around and stormed out of the main deck. Cid followed.   
Look Vincent, it isn't a total loss! I mean, now your memory of what the real thing feels like is refreshed   
Oh shut up! Vincent snapped. That was humiliating. I'm sure I'll never hear the end of this. Vincent stormed off, leaving a helpless Cid behind.   
Vincent said as he turned to his friend. hers were mostly padded anyway.   
Cid thought. Time to move to plan B!


	3. ch 3

CH. 3  
What do you mean, plan B? Vincent asked. He hadn't counted on there being a plan B, especially after plan A had failed so miserably. He especially wasn't up to the new plan, considering the first one had ended with him copping a feel on a girl that he was old enough to be the father of. Cid however, was all the more determined.   
I mean plan fuckin' B! What, did you think that the mission ended with you grabbing Yuffie's   
Dammit Cid, I told you, that was an accident! Vincent interrupted. Ever since the little turbulence incident, as it was coming to be known on the Highwind, Vincent hadn't heard the end of it. Yuffie also had begun to act a little strange. She had taken quite an interest in Vincent, following him, insisting on being in his party, and wearing tops that could be described as profoundly small. This of course, delighted the rest of the Highwind's residence. There was nothing funnier than watching the quiet and solitary Vincent squirm around a 16 year old girl, and making him the butt of every joke. Barret had made sure that Vincent knew he would never be a babysitting candidate for Marlene. Cloud would say it was good for Vincent to finally get over Lucrecia. Tifa was giving to Yuffie on how to get Vincent to notice her Red XIII just shook his head and chuckled about how he would have to be the lone stoic member of the group now. Cait Sith continued to push shiny buttons at the controls. Cid just called Yuffie a nuisance that was getting in the way of the mission. Vincent was wondering if it was possible to die of humiliation. Plan B wasn't sounding very good, even if Vincent wasn't sure what Cid was brewing up this time.  
Have ya ever dressed up like a woman, Vincent? Cid asked out of the blue. Surprised, Vincent spat out the tea Cid had made for them, and stared shocked at the pilot.   
No Cid, I'm afraid that's Cloud's department. Vincent replied, not sure if he wanted to know why Cid was wondering about it.   
Cid chuckled. Tifa and Aeris had shared Cloud's cross dressing experience with the group many times. Ironically, that story had been the inspiration behind Cid's next plan.   
Funny that you should bring that up Vinny, cause, I was just thinking-   
That can't be good. Vincent interrupted, afraid of what Cid was about to say next.   
-Cloud got that Don to think he was woman, and even picked him over two very attractive and real women. Cid went on. So if Cloud could pass as a woman, surely you could! I mean you've got the most goddamned feminine looks about ya that I've ever seen on a man! It would be easy to do ya up real pretty, and no one would even recognize you either! Cid beamed at Vincent as though he had just thought up the most brilliant idea anyone could ever think up. Vincent just gaped at his friend, wondering if those were really cigarettes he had been smoking all this time.   
Cid, I'm not totally clear on why you want me to cross dress for you, and I'm not sure I really want to know. Vincent said quietly to hide the fear that was sneaking into his cool and calm voice.   
Cid turned bright red realizing how he must have sounded, and then doubled over laughing.   
Oh Vincent, you poor bastard! I didn't mean for you to dress up for me! he laughed. Vincent sighed, a little relieved, but not entirely considering Cid still wanted him to dress in drag for some odd reason. I meant for you to dress up and fool Tifa, so you could see her change her shirt or something, and get a good look at those-   
Vincent finished, completely deadpan.   
Cid replied enthusiastically. Ya know, I could befriend you at a bar, and take you on the Highwind to impress you, right? So you meet everyone on the Highwind, and everyone likes you for my sake, and all that shit. Then we set it up so you and Tifa would be in a room alone, and you pour a drink on Tifa's shirt. So then, you can watch her change her shirt, cause chicks don't mind changing in front of other chicks right? Oh, oh, I've got an even better idea!   
Vincent stared, facial expression unchanged, at the somewhat cracked pilot he somehow had befriended over the group's long journey. This is but one more reason why I should never get close to anyone, Vincent thought. He listened in astonishment as Cid suggested that Vincent enthusiastically try to clean the hell out of that stain, as he put it, once the cross dressed Vincent poured the aforementioned drink on Tifa's shirt. That way, Vincent would get to touch Tifa's breasts, and, if he was lucky, see them too if she happened to change her shirt right there. One hell of a plan, Cid proudly told Vincent.   
Vincent calmly started. What did you put in your tea? It's obviously not the same thing I'm drinking. And are cigarettes the only thing you've been smoking?   
Cid sighed, obviously frustrated. Come on Vincent! It's sure to work! You'd make a really good woman!   
Oh how very sweet you are, Cid. Vincent replied sarcastically. What makes you think she wouldn't recognize me anyway? Then we would have a whole lot to explain. And why can't you be the one to dress up in drag? Why do I have to do all the dirty work here? Vincent crossed his arms and waited for an answer.   
Think about it, Vincent! If we did a good job, nobody would recognize you! Haven't you ever seen The Birdcage? And ask yourself again why you can't dress me up in drag. With that, Cid took a step back, spread his arms out, and let Vincent take a good look at him. Vincent sighed. Cid was right. The answer was obvious. Cid could pass for a woman no more than Cait Sith's mog could pass for an old man with a thyroid problem. Vincent was the only candidate who could be considered. Seeing that Vincent was actually considering this, Cid pushed his plan a little more on his hesitant friend.   
Come on Vinny! Have some balls, man. Cid said.   
I suppose I achieve that by dressing as a woman? Vincent snapped. He didn't like the idea. Not at all. But the search for the truth about Tifa's chest was becoming an odd obsession for him, and he didn't want to cop out yet. Vincent closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh, not believing what he was about to agree to do. Seeing Vincent had already given in, Cid smiled.   
Can't believe I'm doing this. Vincent mumbled. Cid let out a hearty laugh and patted Vincent rather hard on the back.   
Vinny, my man, I really owe ya one! You are one hell of a guy, ya know? When this is over, I'm taking you out for a night of drinkin,' all on me!   
I certainly will be needing it, Vincent thought to himself. Then, much to Vincent's dismay, Cid flung his arm around Vincent's neck, and gave him an old fashioned and very aggressive noogie.   
Come on you son of a bitch! I'll show you where Cloud keeps the girlie stuff from his night with the Don! Cid, said gleefully. Vincent looked up at Cid, still disgruntled by the sudden noogie.   
He still has that stuff? Vincent asked.   
Kind of makes ya wonder, huh?


	4. ch 4

Ch.4  
  
"Let's see, sexy lingerie, check...Mmmm, it's even scented. Sexy perfume, check. Wig…you don't need this. You wouldn't look good as a blond anyway…Hey a diamond tiara…  
  
Cid had found Cloud's cross dressing material and had hauled it into the women's bathroom on the Highwind. Vincent was hesitant to enter the ladies room, but Cid insisted upon it, since it was the only place with a vanity on the ship. Vincent stood and watched Cid sort through the women's items, shifting uncomfortably at the appearance of the skimpy lingerie he was going to have to wear.   
  
"Cid, I don't know about this." Vincent said as he held up a lacy red thong. Cid was too busy concentrating on the rest of the women's material to reply.   
  
"Now how the hell could someone wear this and be comfortable…where the hell are you supposed to wear that…  
  
It's useless to atone for my sins now, Vincent thought. Where do I even start? If Lucrecia could see me now…Oh Lucrecia…forgive me, my dear sweet Lucrec-  
  
"Goddamit!" Cid suddenly yelled, surprising Vincent into grabbing the gun at his holster. Man, I'm almost as bad as Barret, Vincent realized, slipping the gun back into his holster. Although, accidentally shooting Cid might have been the best thing I could've done…  
  
"What's the problem, Cid?" Vincent asked.   
  
"We can't use this dress! Tifa's already seen it on Cloud, and will recognize it in an instant, and my perfect plan will be completely foiled! Shit!" Cid kicked the wall and shook his fist angrily as he growled obscenities. Vincent just sighed in relief.  
  
"Oh well, guess we can't dress me up after all. Too bad." Vincent said cheerily. Cid's obscenities continued in the background. Vincent was just smiling. Odd to think that this is what it takes for me to smile after all this time, he thought.   
  
"Wait!" Cid suddenly yelled. "Shera! She has a wardrobe on the Highwind! You could wear one of her dresses! Yeah, that would work!" Vincent's mood plummeted even further than usual. Desperately, he searched for some excuse as to why that wouldn't, no, couldn't work.   
  
"Cid, Shera is half my size. There's no way I could…Cid? Cid?" Vincent glanced around the bathroom. Cid was already gone, looking for Shera's dresses. Vincent shook his head. How did I get myself into this situation, Vincent wondered? It's yet more punishment for the sins I have committed. It wasn't enough to be genetically altered into something less than human and being sealed in a coffin for 30 years. Or losing the love of my life to Dr. Frankenstein's protégé. Or having a dead weight with razor sharp tips to replace one of my arms. No, that just wasn't enough. Now, some nutcase pilot is dressing me in women's clothing, and is trying to get me to molest poor Tifa's chest. And it's working! So many sins to atone for…and I'm not even Catholic…  
  
"You know, that Shera has got to have some of the most unflattering god dammed dresses for a woman! She's so fuckin' frumpy!" Cid was back with a pile of Shera's dresses in his arms. "I wasn't sure which one of these would flatter you the most, so I brought a whole bunch."  
  
"Lucky me." Vincent remarked.   
  
"Let's get started here!" Cid went on. The dresses were very typical of Shera. One of the dresses was long sleeved and dark blue, with a skirt that would have reached the middle of Shera's shins. On Vincent, it would show off a lot of knee, "which would be sexy if it didn't look like a dress of some damn old schoolmarm," as Cid put it. Another dress was pink, and that was enough to keep Vincent from even touching it. Another white, and looked somewhat like a church dress, which wasn't risqué enough, according to Cid. Then Cid came upon a dress that was very not Shera. It was deep red, and came just to the knee. It was made of silk, and had spaghetti thin straps, with a neck line that plummeted dangerously low.  
  
"What the-- I ain't ever seen her in this before!" Cid exclaimed as he held it up and admired it. "Wouldn't mind if I did though…"  
  
Vincent smiled. "Perhaps she was saving it for when you ask her on a date, Cid." he suggested. Cid just blushed.  
  
"Ahem! Anyway, I think we've found a winner, Vinny!" Cid said, happy to change the subject.   
  
Vincent's smile slowly faded into a look of disbelief. The dress probably covered just enough of Shera to keep her from getting arrested for indecent exposure, but Vincent would have bigger problems than that.   
  
"Cid, we'd be lucky if that dress covered my butt." Vincent pointed out.   
  
"I know!" Cid exclaimed. "You'd look damn hot in this thing!  
  
"I find it bizarre how excited you are to see me dressed as a woman, Cid." Vincent said.  
  
"Oh, come on! Can't ya take a fuckin' compliment? Now let's get started."  
  
And so, Vincent's transformation began. Vincent's first problem came with the panties. Try as he might, there just wasn't enough room to fit all of himself into them. Cid suggested to "tape that sucker back" but Vincent insisted that though he had felt unimaginable pain to the very depths of his soul, peeling tape off of himself down there was not a pain he would ever be ready to deal with. Then Cid suggested casting Mini on it, but once Vincent started to look for his Death Penalty, Cid shut up. Finally, the problem was remedied with an extra pair of pantyhose to restrain Vincent's troublesome manhood.   
  
Not long after that problem was remedied, Vincent couldn't stop complaining about the thong. For the life of him, he could not figure out how women could stand a never-ending wedgie all day long. Cid told him to suck it up and be a man about it, while Vincent wondered if he was being mocked or not.   
  
Next came the bra. Once strapped on, the cups drooped against Vincent's chest. Cid immediately grabbed the roll of toilet paper for stuffing. One full roll of toilet paper later, and Vincent was still complaining that he was misshapen, lumpy, and lopsided. Cid insisted that while he was no Tifa, it would still do.  
  
The pantyhose were a nightmare. Neither of the two men was familiar with how to dress in the dainty clothing and Vincent's claw was of no help either. After accidentally pushing his toes through the feet, and ripping the waist to shreds with his claw, Vincent reluctantly asked for Cid's help. However, the pilot was even less gentle than Vincent's claw had been, and soon there was nothing left of the pantyhose but little shreds. Cid handed Vincent a razor, pointed at his legs, and told him to start shaving, but Vincent insisted that some women didn't shave, and he would have to one of those women. Cid nodded, realizing there would be no way in hell that a pair of pantyhose would make it onto Vincent's legs in one piece.  
  
Finally, the dress was the next step. While Vincent was rather thin, he still had the bone structure of a man. Once squeezed into the little dress, Vincent stared into the mirror and scrunched up his nose.  
  
"I look so slutty." he complained. The dress was dangerously short on Vincent, coming barely over his butt just as he had predicted, and was hugging his hips far too tightly. His lopsided breasts jutted out awkwardly, making the lack of cleavage painfully obvious. He looked even less like a woman in women's clothing.  
  
"Cid?" Vincent looked to his friend, who was busy trying to figure out what went wrong, as though it weren't obvious. Vincent continued.  
  
"As you know, I've taken on many frightening forms. A purple beast, a sort of Frankenstein monster, a misshapen psychopath in a hockey mask, and a grey, winged demon. My usual self, in fact, has red eyes and a sharp metallic left arm. But never, ever, have I been more frightened of the sight of myself until this very instant. And it's all thanks to you my dear friend."  
  
"Yeah…I see what you mean…" Cid replied slowly, not picking up any hint of sarcasm in Vincent's comments. "Hey! I know!" He continued. "All you need is a little makeup and hairstyling!"   
  
Vincent shrugged, thinking (naively) the worst was probably over. Cid pulled out a makeup bag and began to dump the contents out onto the counter. Then he pulled out some hot curlers, hair spray, mousse, and the diamond tiara he had found with the rest of Cloud's stuff. Vincent gulped as Cid examined an eyelash curler as though it were a surgical instrument. Vincent closed his eyes and took a few deep breathes. Cid took a few deep breathes himself, as he examined the feminine contents on the counter, half of which he had no idea what to do with. Vincent opened one eye cautiously, and watched his friend's confused expression deepen.   
  
"I assume you at least know a little about what you are doing." Vincent said. Cid looked to his friend, and then back to the mysterious things scattered across the counter. He scratched the back of his neck, shrugged, and sighed.  
  
"Sure…I know a little about this kind of stuff. I've seen Shera use these things once in a while…Ah hell, enough yappin'! let's get started!"  
  
First, Cid applied half of the bottle of mousse to Vincent's long hair. When Vincent asked if that was too much, Cid insisted that "women love using lots of hair shit," and proceeded to add half the bottle of hair spray to Vincent's head as well. Vincent began to cough violently in the hairspray-thickened room. As Vincent gasped for breath, Cid just shrugged, supposing the years of cigarette smoke his lungs had endured had made him immune the dangers of inhaling the toxic fumes that women love to coat their hair with. After Vincent finally was able to breathe without hacking up a lung, Cid moved on to the heat curlers.   
  
"SHHHHIIITTTT!" Vincent screamed as Cid rolled a blazing hot curler a little too close to his forehead. "What the hell are you trying to do, Cid? Burn my fucking hair off?" Vincent yelled. Cid scrambled for a wet wash cloth to nurse the burn.  
  
"Geesh. You've been hanging around with me too long, Vincent." Cid told his friend, who was still muttering a stream of obscenities that would have made Cid proud in a different situation. "Hey, what's that smell?" Cid asked. Vincent sniffed the air. Indeed, a very unpleasant smell was in the air.   
  
"It smells like burnt hair." Vincent replied calmly. Cid's eyes widened as he realized a small stream of smoke was coming from Vincent's head where the curler was.  
  
"Shit Vinny, I AM burning your fuckin' hair off!" Cid screamed as he jumped forward to save his friend's hair. Cid toppled over Vincent, knocking him off of the chair he was sitting on and on to the floor. He pinned Vincent down and straddled him. What little modesty the dress had left Vincent with was gone now, and Cid was desperately trying to save Vincent's hair without burning himself as well. At that moment, a wide-eyed Tifa walked in. 


	5. Ch 5

Ch.5  
  
"Oh! My god, what are you two doing? Vincent, your hair!" Tifa ran in and grabbed the wet wash cloth to protect her hands as she removed the red hot curler from Vincent's barely salvaged hair.  
  
"Oh thank you Tifa! Thank you so much!" Vincent said exasperated. He looked up at Tifa, who had a very confused and frightened look on her face. Vincent wasn't sure whether he should stand up and push Cid off of him, or lie there and allow Cid to sit and cover as much of what he was wearing as he could. Cid however, shot up like a bullet as soon as what had just happened registered.   
  
"Oh! Tifa! Hi…how are you?" He asked nervously, trying to act as if what Tifa was seeing was pretty standard on the Highwind. Vincent still just lied there on floor, busily pushing his dress down to cover what little he could of himself. Tifa's eyes darted from Cid, to Vincent, and back again, as though she were trying to piece some complex puzzle together in her mind, in which the pieces simply did not fit.  
  
"Okay, what's going on guys?" she finally asked, giving up in trying find some logical reason as to why Vincent was dressed as a woman, and why Cid was helping him. Cid and Vincent just stared at each other, occasionally glancing back at Tifa, wondering how they were going to get themselves out of this one. Finally, Vincent spoke up and explained. Sort of.  
  
"Well…Cid and I were trying to…um you know…dress me as a um…um…a woman…to umm…"  
  
"Lies, Tifa!" Cid suddenly burst out, panicking that Vincent was about to give them away. "Don't believe a fucking word he says! All lies!"  
  
Vincent glared at his friend. After all the humiliation Cid had caused him, after dragging him into this mess, he was going to make it even harder on him!   
  
"Cid! Don't start! Cut me a little slack here! After all I've done for you, you're going to call me a liar before I even get a chance to explain myself! After all I've done! I was even going to dress as a woman for you!" Vincent yelled angrily at Cid. Cid opened his mouth to say something in his defense, but Tifa beat him to it.  
  
"I think I see what's going on here." Tifa said, stepping into the bathroom and closing it behind her. It just occurred to Vincent just how lucky he and Cid were that no one else had moseyed across what was going on in the bathroom and heard all the commotion.  
  
"You do?" Cid asked. I really hope you don't see what's going on here, 'cause Vincent and I will be Final Heavened if you do, Cid thought.  
  
"Yeah, I see." She responded. Then she smiled gently. Both Cid and Vincent were taken aback by this, and then began to fear what exactly she thought she was seeing.  
  
"Vincent, men like to cross-dress all the time. It's not that uncommon. It's a healthy exploration of your feminine side. There's no need to be ashamed." With that, she gave Vincent a hug that felt like she was attempting to comfort him.   
  
Vincent's face flushed a red that came close to matching the dress he was wearing. From over Tifa's shoulder, he gave Cid a look of bewilderment. Cid just wiped his brow, as if to say 'that was too close,' and nonchalantly lit up a cigarette. Then he looked back at Vincent, motioned near his chest, and mouthed, "do they feel real?" Vincent shot Cid a poisonous glare, and extended the middle digit on his claw, as Cid gave him a 'what did I do?' look. Then, Tifa turned to Cid, who immediately found his awkward composure, and flashed her a large, toothy grin.  
  
"And Cid, experimenting with your own sexuality, or being curious is quite normal too. You don't need to call poor Vincent a liar." Cid's jaw dropped. Before he could say anything, Tifa went on. "I mean, he's sharing something really private with you! Even showing it to you! That can't be easy. You really should give him a little more of your respect."  
  
"Yeah, Cid." Vincent chimed in, reveling in the fact it was Cid's turn to be embarrassed. Again, Cid opened his mouth to cuss both of them out, when Vincent's rare smirk reminded him that it would get him nowhere if he did. The best thing to do at that moment would be to play along, and just be glad it was Tifa who stumbled upon them and not Barret.  
  
"Yeah… you're right." Cid said slowly. "He even damn near burned his hair off for me. What a guy."  
  
Tifa smiled. "Well! I can see that you're not used to dressing as a woman yet, Vincent," she said, looking Vincent up and down. Vincent smiled weakly and shrugged. "I admit, I'm not used to this," he replied.  
  
"Well, it takes some practice!" Tifa said with a cheerful smile. "But don't worry, Vincent. I'll show you how it's all done."  
  
"Huh?" Vincent replied dumbly. With that, Tifa grabbed Vincent by the hand and set him down. She shoved the dress Cloud had worn at Vincent, insisting it was by far the better choice for him as a man to wear, considering it was made especially for a man.   
  
"I'll turn around as you change." She said as she twirled to face away from Vincent. She waved her hand behind her as if to tell Vincent to hurry. "Put it on so we can get to the fun stuff!" She exclaimed. Vincent turned to Cid as if to look for some sort of help, but Cid just shrugged. We might as well go along with it, Cid thought. Shit's too deep now. We can't walk away. Vincent sighed, and began to change. He had to admit, it was nice to get out of that dress and into something more comfortable, even if it was another dress.   
  
"Oh Vincent, that suits you so much better!" Tifa exclaimed jumping up in excitement as she saw Vincent. "Now let's do your makeup!" She pulled Vincent by the hand and into the chair again, and turned to the makeup scattered across the table. "Now, "scarlet rose" lipstick would be such a beautiful contrast to your black hair and fair skin. If we used just a touch of "rosy pink" to blend in along your cheek bones, I think it would create a really striking effect. Don't you think so Cid?"  
  
"Huh? Oh, yeah. Sure." Cid replied, pulling out another cigarette.   
  
And so poor Vincent went through yet another transformation. Tifa gave him pointers along the way, everything from how to blend foundation, to how much eyeliner is too much. Vincent sweated through it all, as Cid chain-smoked in the corner, occasionally trying to stifle a laugh here and there. By the time Tifa had finished with her victim, Vincent was looking startlingly womanlike. His bra had carefully been re-stuffed, and sat on his chest in a surprisingly realistic fashion. His long black hair was neatly in a bun, and kept in place with two black chopsticks. Two strands of hair framed his face, which was expertly made up with black eyeliner, grey eye shadow, red lipstick, foundation, powder, and a hint of blush. Tifa had even painted Vincent's nails a deep red. It was quite an upgrade from the first cross-dressing experience.  
  
"Voila!" Tifa exclaimed triumphantly as she turned Vincent to the mirror. For a split second, Vincent was impressed with what a pretty woman he made.   
  
"What do you think?" She asked Vincent.   
  
"Umm…it's great. Thanks Tifa. Thanks so fucking much…" Vincent replied with a slight growl. Tifa beamed.  
  
"What about you Cid? Does he look hot or what?" Cid started a little at the question.   
  
"Yeah, Cid. Don't you think I'm hot?" Vincent's voice was deadpan, as was his face.   
  
"Umm…yeah. Real…hot," Cid replied hesitantly.   
  
Tifa was satisfied. She gave Vincent another hug, and then headed for the door. As she reached the doorknob, she turned back to Vincent and Cid. Her expression got quite serious.  
  
"Guys, I love you no matter what. Even you, Cid," she told them. "I won't tell anyone about this, I promise. But whenever you guys feel ready, I'm sure everyone else will support you." She smiled again. "Yuffie might take it the hardest Vincent, but you are who you are. She'll get over it." With that she left the unlikely pair in the bathroom.  
  
It was silent between Vincent and Cid as they stood exactly as Tifa had left them. Clearly, Vincent was fuming. Cid shifted a little, then glanced up at Vincent.  
  
"You look really nice, Vincent." He said in an attempt to break the silence.  
  
"Cid." Vincent said calmly. "I'll give you until the count of three to get out of my sight."  
  
"Right." Cid said as he quickly left the bathroom. Time to cook up plan C!  
  
Yeah, you heard the man. This isn't over yet! 


	6. Ch 6

Ch. 6

            The next few days on the Highwind were awkward for Cid.  He wanted to discuss plan C with Vincent, but every time he got close enough to him to do so, Tifa would walk by and wink at them.  To make matters worse, Vincent was enjoying Cid's discomfort and embarrassment as revenge for his own, and had taken to playing along with Tifa's assumptions about their relationship.  Vincent would smile and wink back at Tifa, and then lean in just a little _too_ close to Cid.  At one point Vincent had grabbed Cid's butt in full view of Tifa.  Cid twirled around, ready to cuss Vincent out, but Vincent just gave him a dangerous smirk that read _'Go ahead, Cid.  I dare you,'_ and Cid knew that holding his tongue was all he could do.

            Cid had been doing his best to dispel Tifa's questions about his sexuality.  It wasn't that he had anything against homosexuality. It just made him feel awkward that he was perceived as being gay.  'Yeesh,' Cid thought.  'I can't even admit that Shera isn't so bad…well, it could be worse.  At least Tifa thinks that I'm into Vincent, and not someone like Barrett.'  Cid shuddered.  Still, Cid did his research on cross-dressing men to find a defense for himself.

            "Aha!" Cid had been poring through psychology books on the floor of the cockpit late one night with Vincent nearby, brooding in the corner like he used to.  

            "Look here, Vinny!"  Cid shouted excitedly as he held a very hefty book out in one hand, lifting it as though it were precious relic he had just discovered.    Vincent turned nonchalantly to Cid with a completely disinterested look on his face, just as the old Vincent had before the traumatic experiences of groping Yuffie's breasts and gender-bending. 

            "This book says that the majority of cross dressing is found heterosexual males; not homosexuals!"  Cid grinned at Vincent, who, to his surprise, was grinning back.  'Not a good sign.' Cid realized.  'The old Vincent wouldn't be grinning at me.  This is the traumatized Vincent.  Ah, shit…'

            "But honey, _I _was the one cross dressing.   _You _were the one who wanted to watch." Vincent replied mockingly.  Cid's mouth dropped.  Vincent was right!  He couldn't use that argument…

            "Oh, hell, what does it matter?!  We're getting distracted from the more important thing here!  Tifa's boobs!  We need to know if they're real!"  Cid yelled.  Vincent started and nearly slapped his loud friend.

            "Would you shut up!" Vincent nearly tackled Cid, clasping his big mouth.  Cid realized just how loud that little exclamation had been, and gasped.  Slowly, Cid pried Vincent's hand down from his mouth, glanced wide-eyed at him and mouthed 'sorry.'  

            "You two are so cute."  Vincent and Cid looked up to see Tifa standing in the doorway.  She was smiling at the two men, who were standing just a little too close to each other.  Cid still hadn't let go of the hand Vincent had used to stifle his voice, and the two had been whispering to each other in an apparently intimate fashion.  Cid's face went bright red, but Vincent just smirked.  

            'Don't you dare, you bastard.' Cid was thinking as he looked at Vincent's mischievous expression.  'What ever the hell you're thinking, don't you dare!'

            "Hello Tifa." Vincent replied.  "You'll have to excuse Cid and I.  We just rendezvoused here to be alone and gaze out at the beautiful night sky.  I'm afraid you caught us as things were just about to heat up."  Vincent chuckled warmly (or maniacally, to Cid's ears) and pulled the pilot dangerously close to him in an embrace.

Cid felt like decking him, and it took every ounce of patience within him to keep from doing so.  'I remember when you couldn't even pat this bastard on the back without him flinching,' Cid thought to himself.

            Tifa giggled.  "Well, I'm sorry to interrupt such an intimate moment, but I was about to go to bed when I realized that I lost an earring.  I think it might have fallen off somewhere.  Have you seen it?  It's a little ruby."

            "Maybe ol' Vinny here took it." Cid said, trying to wriggle out of Vincent's arms.  "You know how he likes to look pretty and all."  Cid gave Vincent a satisfied grin, as though he had just given him the insult of a lifetime.  

            'Oh, Cid.  Is that the best you can do?'  Vincent thought.

"Now hon, you know I'll only wear silver hoops.  Remember?  You like them. You said they reminded you of handcuffs."

            Cid's mouth dropped open, and his cigarette hit the floor.  'What the hell?' he thought.  'Handcuffs?!  What kind of a pervert thinks that kind of stuff up?!"

            Tifa was laughing hard now.  "Cid!  I didn't know you were so kinky!"  Vincent was laughing with her now, a rare, if not unheard of event with Vincent.  

            'Bastard's really enjoying this.'  Cid thought.

            "Oh yes, Cid's kinkier than you think."  Vincent went on.  "You wouldn't believe the kind of things he asks me to do to him!  You think he has a dirty mouth, well it's nothing compared to his mind.  He's really into role-playing too.  You know, the whole pilot and Turk thing…"

            Tifa was practically rolling on the floor now, and Cid was about to explode.  Vincent thoroughly enjoyed every second of Cid's humiliation.  Finally, just when Cid was about grab his Venus Gospel and take the two out, Tifa stopped laughing.  She smiled at the two men, taking one of Cid's hands in her own, and one of Vincent's as well.

            "I'm so glad to see you two so happy.  This is what Lucrecia would have wanted for you, Vincent.  To be happy.  And Cid, you're not getting any younger.  It's good to see you've found someone."  Cid and Vincent looked at each other, as if to say 'do you ever feel guilty for what we're doing to this sweet woman?'

            "Anyway, I'll leave you two alone."  Tifa said with a mischievous smile on her face.  "Let me know if you find my earring!"  With that, she was off.

            Cid turned to Vincent, and socked him hard in the shoulder.  Vincent just laughed at him.  

            "Did I embarrass you Cid?  Do forgive me if I did." 

            "Oh fuck you!"  Cid yelled.  "You're enjoying this a little too much, you know that?  Either you are one sadistic sonuvabitch, or you really do have a thing for me!"  Cid yelled.

            Vincent took a step closer to Cid.  "You are pretty cute when you get angry."  Vincent said in a low and serious voice.  He reached one hand out and rested it on Cid's cheek.  Cid gulped.

            "V-Vincent?  You really mean that?"  Cid asked, suddenly feeling intimidated, uncomfortable, and even a bit flushed. 

            Vincent just raised his hand from Cid's face, and slapped it back down.  "Of course not!  You think I enjoy this!  It's only payback for all that you've put me through! You think I enjoy grabbing your ass?  Or even _suggesting_ that we role play?!"

            Cid let out a long breath, and lit up a cigarette.  "Well, you put on a damn good show of it!" 

            Vincent just shook his head.  "This ends now.  Poor Tifa, she's so happy for us, so good to us, and all we can do is think about how find out if her boobs are real!  Of all the sins to commit…"

            "Say, that reminds me!"  Cid cut in.  "I've got to talk to you about plan C!  This one's sure to work, Vinny!  I've been thinking it up all night!"

            "Are you even listening to me!" Vincent exclaimed.  "I said this ends here!  No more!"

            "Do you ever watch those spy movies, Vincent?"  Cid went on, ignoring his friend.  "You know, where they scale down the sides of buildings, dressed all in black?"

            "Cid, you're cracked.  I said I'm through…"

"Well, if we scaled down to Tifa's room at the next inn, and wait for her to change into her pajamas…" 

            "Cid, no."

            "What do ya' mean, 'no?'"

            "I mean, no."

Later that evening, at the inn in Kalm…

            "I can't believe I'm doing this, Cid…"


	7. ch 7

Ch.7

            Clad all in black, hanging from a rope atop the Inn in Kalm, two mysterious figures hung like shadows, blending in with the night. They glided down the side of the building, like spiders descending from a freshly woven web, risking life and limb for the purpose of the dangerous mission which they so bravely took upon themselves.  The mission for the truth.  The mission for answers.  The mission to discover…

            "Is it possible to have boobs that big, naturally?" Cid glanced at his companion.

            Vincent sighed heavily.  Cid had been irritating him all night with ridiculous questions about the physical possibilities of the female anatomy.  It didn't matter that this was the whole damn reason why he and Cid had decided to be peeping Toms on one of their own AVALANCHE members.  Or why Vincent had unintentionally made it to second base with Yuffie.  Or why he now honestly knew what size of dress he wore.  Or why he and Cid were now a couple in Tifa's eyes.  Or…

            "I mean think about it.  You'd think she'd develop back problems, or something,"  Cid went on.  Vincent nearly lost his footing in his distracting frustration with the big mouthed pilot, but caught himself just in time.

            "Whoa there, Vinny!  Gettin' a little excited, eh?" Cid teased.  Vincent held back the urge to pull Cid from the rope and allow him to crash like a sack of rocks to the ground. He found his composure, and through gritted teeth replied, "No.  Your incessant chatter is obnoxious, and distracting.  If I fall from this rope, I'm taking you down with me, as it will surely be your fault for never knowing when shut that hole in your face.  In other words, shut up!"  Vincent loudly whispered in a menacing voice.

            Cid shrugged.  "Okay then, Mr. Pissybritches, calm down and take your fuckin' Midol.  Yeesh."

            Again, Vincent held back some very violent urges.

            "Shouldn't you be smoking, or something?" Vincent asked, hoping the cigarette would keep his mouth closed.

            "Shit!  I haven't smoked for like five minutes, Vinny!  Thanks for the reminder,"  Cid replied, releasing one hand to fumble for the cigarettes in his pocket.  Vincent immediately realized the dangers of Cid dangling by one hand from a very large building. He wrestled with the part of himself that was eager to see Cid plummet to the ground and the other part that was concerned.  The latter won.

            "Cid, be careful, all right?  If you fall, you'll have to die knowing that your last moments consisted of a very elaborate peeping Tom scheme, and fumbling around in your pockets for a cancer stick while hanging from a rope dangerously high to the ground,"  Vincent told his unlikely friend.

            "Heh.  It won't matter!  I knew cigarettes would be the death of me one way or another!"  Cid replied gleefully, as he successfully fished out a cigarette at last.  "Now where's that damn lighter…," he mumbled.  Vincent grew impatient.

            "Look, could we just get this whole mess over with?" he growled.  "You can smoke after you've seen Tifa's bare chest, okay?"   

            Cid giggled, like some junior high student that just realized he has a hot teacher. "Yeah, you're right, Vinny."  he said with a smirk.  "I'll _really_ be needing a smoke then, ya know what I mean?"  
            "Riiiiiiight…" Vincent replied.  Then, he noticed the window he and Cid had been approaching.   It was Tifa's.

            "Cid, we're here!" He whispered loudly.  Cid looked down, and nodded in satisfaction.  

            "This is it, Valentine.  Don't punk out on me now, ya little shit." Cid stated authoritatively.  

I know it's a short chapter, but I'm having a bit of a writer's block!  That, and today is my last day of summer vacation.  It's been really hectic lately.  Sorry for taking so long to update.  I promise the next installment will be up soon, and it will be a bit longer too.


	8. ch 8

Remember when I said that the next installment of this little tale would be up soon?  Well I LIED!!!!!!!  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! ahem  Sorry to make everyone wait for me to update this damn thing.  I know it's annoying when people take a decade to update a story.  But school has been very crazy.  It's my senior year so I've got a lot going on.  I plan to finish this story before my hair turns grey, so please keep reading!  I really appreciate all the reviews I get.  Now, without further adieu…

Ch.8

            Vincent took a deep breath.  This was a new low for him to sink to.  How incredibly bored I must be, he thought.  Either that or all those years in that coffin really took what little sanity I had, and kept it there.  Whatever the case, I really can't turn back now.  With that thought, Vincent lowered himself down to the window.

            "Okay Vinny, all we have to do is wait for her to change her clothes," Cid whispered.  "Keep your head low.  If she sees us, we're goners."

            "Oh, how we would deserve it too," Vincent mused.

            "Whadja say, Vinny?" Cid asked.  

            "SHHHH!!!!" Vincent replied menacingly.  Paranoia was setting in now, and Vincent wasn't sure he would be able to take putting on one more humiliating little show for the sake of this ridiculous "mission".  If he and Cid did get caught, how were they going to explain it to Tifa?  That they were role playing as ninjas now?  Vincent shuddered at the thought and began to wish that his rope would start to unravel and mercifully drop him to the ground…

            "There she is!" Cid whispered.  Vincent reluctantly peeked through the window.  Tifa was there, rummaging through a suitcase.  Finally, she pulled out an oversized night shirt, tossed it on the bed, and sat down to unlace her boots. 

            "Oh, she's toying with us, Vinny.  She's just taking her own sweet-ass time," Cid whispered dreamily.

            "Would you just shut up, you daft idiot?" Vincent replied, glaring at Cid.  Cid didn't seem to hear him though, as he was greatly anticipating the next article of clothing to be removed from Tifa.  Vincent rolled his eyes and sighed in frustration.  Suddenly, Cid gasped.  

            "Here we go, Vincent!" Cid whispered almost too loudly.  Vincent looked back at the window, expecting to see the true nature of Tifa's breasts revealed.  Instead, she had removed her shorts, and was standing in her panties and tank top.  Vincent blushed and looked away.

            I feel dirty, he thought to himself.  I feel like some old desperate, perverted voyeur, drooling all over a beautiful woman I could never have…kind of like…He glanced over at his partner in crime.

            …Cid. Vincent groaned.  

            "No, don't put it back on!" Cid suddenly exclaimed.  

            We've been caught, Vincent thought to himself.  Well, Lucrecia, I will be joining you soon in the lifestream.  Maybe I'll get to see Aeris again.  Will she ever laugh her ass off when she hears about this…

            "She's answering the door!" Cid whispered.  "Dammit!  We were so close too!  Whoever this knuckle head is, he's going to hear it from me!"

            "Huh?" Vincent cautiously looked back to the window.  Tifa had put her shorts back on, and was pulling the bedroom door open.  Cloud was on the other side.

            "Why that dirty son of a…what's he doing here!?" Cid said a little too loudly.

            "Shut up!  And quit acting like we actually have the right to be here!"  Vincent whispered.  

            Cloud entered Tifa's room.  They wasted little time talking, and immediately embraced in a passionate kiss.

            "Why, that dirty little bastard!" Cid chuckled.  "First Aeris, and now he's gettin' a little action from Tifa.  Lucky sonuvabitch."

            Vincent couldn't help but smile a little.  He had a feeling that something had been going on between Tifa and Cloud.  He really couldn't believe Cid was actually surprised.

            "Why does he get all the chicks?"  Cid wondered aloud.

            "Perhaps it's because he doesn't plan out elaborate schemes that risk his own life to catch a glimpse of their breasts."  Vincent replied dryly.

            Cid glared at him.  "No, that can't be it.  You have Yuffie after all."

            "Oh Cid. You'll always have _me."  Vincent shot back sarcastically._

            Cid grumbled something unintelligible, that sounded something like Vincent was almost girly enough to be a chick, when Vincent realized that things were getting pretty personal in Tifa's bedroom.

            "We'd better give these two some privacy." Vincent said. Cid just stared at him dumbfounded. 

            "Are you kidding me?  She's going to let those puppies loose any second, and you want to leave?!  Valentine, you shithead, we can't leave now!"

            "Let those puppies loose?"  Vincent replied slowly.  "Oh!  You mean her… Cid, you pervert! She and Cloud will be in bed many minute too, and I'm not going to watch that!  What do you think this is?  A peep show?"

            "Vinnnncennnt!"  Cid whined.  "We have to take what we've got!  This may be the last chance we've got to get a good look at those…"

            "You call them puppies, Cid, I swear I'm going to hit you…"

            "…those babies, and I'm not going to miss that chance!"

            Vincent looked back at the window and saw the situation inside heating up even more.  He looked back to Cid.

            "Cid, I'm not going to watch this, and you're not going to either!"  Vincent growled, growing very impatient with the pilot.  

            "I'm not going anywhere!" Cid exclaimed firmly.  

            "I'm warning you, Cid," Vincent growled even deeper.  He was beginning to twitch a little.  Cid gulped.  He'd seen Vincent like this before on the battlefield.  Chaos was taking over…

            "V-Vinny?" he said cautiously.  "Hey, don't get mad okay?  We'll leave just as soon as we get a glimpse at those…"

            "If you call them puppies, I'm going to kill you!"  Chaos screamed.  

            "Oh, SHIT!"  Cid squeaked.  In one instant, Cid found himself ripped from the rope, dangling by one arm from the all-too-firm grasp of Chaos, flying into the dark abyss of night, screaming like a school girl.

            Tifa looked up.  

            "Did you hear that?  It sounded like Cid and some horrible beast!" she said.

            "I didn't hear anything." Cloud replied, pulling her lips impatiently back to his for another passionate kiss.

            "Yeah, me neither."


	9. ch 9

Well, I think I'm finally almost finished with this.  The thing is, I keep coming up with ideas and more stupid situations to put Cid and poor Vincent in, and I really don't know how to end it yet.  But, we'll see.  Again, sorry for taking so long to update, but things have been REALLY busy around here.  I've got school, a new job and a senior project, which is ALL writing, so this story kind of got left in the dust. Okay, I'm putting away the violin.  I'll try not to neglect this story so much in the future.

Oh, and zac, I know you've been waiting a long time for an update if anyone has, so my humblest apologies.  This chapter's dedicated to you!  Enjoy! ^_^

CH.9  

            "I can't believe you, you bastard!" Cid yelled angrily at Vincent.  Vincent sighed and flopped down on his bed, exhausted as usual after turning into Chaos.  He had flown back to the Highwind with Cid and would have ripped him apart right there if he hadn't calmed down enough to turn back into his old self.  'Too bad.  I could have put myself out of my misery,' Vincent thought to himself.  Now Cid was throwing a tantrum and massaging the arm that Chaos had so roughly held onto while escorting him back to the ship. 

            "You damn near ripped off my arm, ya little shit!"  Cid yelled.  Vincent sighed again, and sat up tiredly.  

            "Cid, does it hurt that much?"  Vincent asked in a concerned voice.  Cid pouted.

            "Yeah, it hurts that much, you bastard," he replied, a little taken aback by the genuine sound of concern in Vincent's voice.

            "Come here," Vincent said, motioning Cid to his bed.  Cid stiffened a little. 'Damn pretty boy, making me nervous…' Cid thought.  "Oh what am I thinking?" he mumbled.  "This is Vinny."  Cid slowly walked to Vincent, and sat down next to him.  Vincent looked up at him with his tired red eyes and gently took Cid's arm in his good hand.  Cid tensed up again. 

            "Cid," Vincent said quietly.  "If it hurts so bad…THEN USE A GODDAMN CURE MATERIA ON IT, AND LET ME SLEEP!!!"

            Cid jumped, more than a little startled. He stared dumbfounded at Vincent, scared that he was going to turn back into Chaos any second.  Instead, Vincent sat there, grumpy as ever, but visibly tired.  Cid found his composure, lit up a cigarette and pulled out a cure materia that he always kept on him. The pilot cleared his throat and sat at the edge of Vincent's bed, quietly smoking and letting the cure spell and nicotine work their magic.

            Vincent heaved a sigh and flopped back onto the bed.  All was quiet between the two for some time. Finally a small chuckle was heard from Vincent's pillow.  Cid raised an eyebrow and turned his head to Vincent, who was beginning to laugh harder and louder by the second.  It didn't take long before Vincent had nearly rolled off of the bed in a fit of hysterical laughter.  Cid scratched the back of his head in confusion.  

            "Ummm, Vinny?"  Cid said, unsurely.  Vincent just laughed harder.  "Vinny?"  Cid continued.  "This is kind of creepy even for you.  Hell, it's even creepier than usual coming from a guy like you…Vinny?"

            Tears streamed down Vincent's face as he continued to laugh.  Cid sat there, wondering what to do and wondering which was scarier: Chaos, or a happy Vincent.  

            Cid gulped.  "You're not gonna kill me, are ya Vinny?" Cid asked in a small voice.  Vincent laughed even harder at this, pounding his fist onto the mattress with glee.  Cid shifted uncomfortably, not sure if that was a yes or a no, or if Vincent had just completely lost it.  Finally, Vincent gained enough control over himself to speak.

            "Cid," he started.  "You've got to be the most ridiculous, the most insane, the most bizarre…"

            "_I'm insane?"_

"…whack job I've ever known!  And I knew Hojo, for crying out loud!"  Vincent began to laugh insanely again.

            "…whack job…and you knew Hoj-hey!"  Cid said, offended.  

            Vincent sighed, his stomach aching from all the laughing.  Cid just sat and smoked, still trying to comprehend the fact that Vincent was just laughing, and quite heartily at that.

            "You need some fuckin' therapy man," Cid finally concluded.  "You're emotionally unstable and dangerous to be around, ya know?"  

            Vincent chuckled again. "You know, that's the most I can ever remember laughing," he told Cid.  Cid looked back at his friend, who was actually smiling. 'Maybe he won't kill me after all,' Cid thought hopefully.  Strange as it was to see Vincent smiling, especially after a hysterical laughing fit like that, Cid was glad to see it.

            "Well, ya really should lighten up sometimes, ya know?" Cid replied earnestly.  "I know ya been through a lot, but, hell…"

            "It's nothing compared to what _you've_ put me through.  Or worse yet, what Tifa will put me through if she ever figures us out," Vincent interrupted, his smile broadening.

            Cid chuckled. "Well that's true, but I was going to say, that's life, ya know?  You can't let it keep ya down forever."  

            "There are too many boobs to grope, too many stories to get to the bottom of," Vincent continued, with a quiet chuckle.

            Cid smiled at him.  "Ya see?  You're already a grade-A smart ass."

"Not only do I get to help save the world, I also get to dig for the cold hard truth…or should I say soft, warm truth beneath Tifa's bra," Vincent continued.  "Not bad for a guy that just spent the last thirty years in a coffin." Cid laughed.  

            "See?"  It hadn't occurred to him just how close this whole stupid mission had brought him to his usually reserved friend.  'At least the poor guy can remember what it's like to really laugh again,' he thought to himself.

            "Cid?"  Vincent said after some silence between the two.  Cid turned to him. 

            "Yeah?" He replied.  

            "Thanks."

            Cid smiled.  "Yeah, yeah. Don't get all mushy on me, Valentine."

            Vincent nodded, still smiling.  "Well, what do you think we should do next?"

            Cid stared at him.  "You mean…you still want to…?"  

            Vincent shrugged.  "We've made it this far.  Hell, it's kind of fun even." 

            "Vinny!  You little sonuvabitch!  You really mean that?" Cid asked, ready to grab Vincent and squeeze him.

            "Yeah.  We have to get to the bottom of this, right?"  Vincent replied, more than a little amused by Cid's childlike excitement.  'If this weren't Cid, I'd be quite disturbed,' Vincent thought.

            "Hell yeah, we gotta get to the bottom of this!" Cid practically squealed with glee.  With that, he finally did grab Vincent and gave him one hell of a bear hug.

            "Okay, Cid.  (cough)  That's enough," Vincent choked out.  Cid let go of him, and practically danced to the doorway. 

            "You're tired, and probably, from what I've seen, slightly delusional, so I'll let you sleep for now.  But tomorrow, we'll be cookin' up plan D, so get plenty of rest!"  Cid said gleefully.

            "Umm, actually, I kind of already had an idea," Vincent replied.  Cid stared at him, his eyes wide with pride, as though he were a father that just witnessed his son's first home run at a little league game.  

            "Oh, Vinny!  I'm so proud!  You thought up a plan all on your own?"  He asked, looking strangely touched by the very idea of it. 

            "Umm, yeah," Vincent replied, edging away from Cid, just a little.  "I'm thinking that Cloud might be up for some drinking tomorrow night.  You know, a night out with the boys?  Maybe after a few drinks he'll be, well, I guess you could say 'open' about what he must obviously know about Tifa's, you know…"

            "Puppies!" Cid finished excitedly.

            "…uh, yeah," Vincent replied.

            "Oh this sounds good, Vinny!  Come on, out with the details!" 

            Vincent yawned.  "Tomorrow.  I'm really tired.  But I'll fill you in after breakfast.  This may just work."


	10. ch 10

I'm not dead! I think I'll write a little...  
  
  
  
Ch. 10  
  
"Vinny! Come on Vinny, get your scrawny ass out of bed!"   
  
Vincent awoke abruptly from a deep sleep to the sound of Cid's loud and gruff voice. He looked up groggily to see the pilot standing impatiently over him, hands on his hips and a scowl on his face.  
  
"Wha?" Vincent asked dumbly, as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Cid couldn't help but chuckle a little. He hadn't seen Vincent first thing in the morning before, and the guy'd die if he knew how un-Vincent he appeared.  
  
"Mornin' Sunshine!" Cid greeted sarcastically. "Get up and pull yourself together! There's dirty deeds to be done, and we're the ones doin' em'!"  
  
Vincent yawned and slowly pulled himself to a seated position with seemingly much difficulty.  
  
"Hmm? Cid? What're you...(yawn)...Hmm?" was all the reply Vincent could manage. Cid rolled his eyes, but couldn't hold back a smile. 'I need a camera,' he thought to himself. 'If the others could see him now...or last night for that matter, they'd shit themselves laughing so hard.'  
  
"Vincent! Wake up! What're you, drugged? It's damn near 5:00 in the morning, and you're just lying there like a sack of potatoes, you lazy bastard! Come on, up,up, up!" Cid yelled.  
  
'Hmmm...5:00 in the morning...' Vincent mused to himself. 'This is like it was when I was training to be a Turk...waking up to some asshole yelling insults at you...barely ever enough sleep...too early...5:00 in the morning...wait a minute, 5:00 in the morning?!'  
  
Vincent suddenly snapped to full conciousness and glared in disbelief at the impatient pilot still standing over him with a scowl.  
"Cid, I've been in bed for barely 3 hours! What could possibly be so important at this hour?"   
  
Cid rolled his eyes, and said as though he were speaking to a child, "Vincent, do you really think that we can discuss your little plan with the others awake and wandering around the Highwind? If we don't discuss this now, we'll have a helluva time trying to find somewhere to do it without Tifa winking at us, or Yuffie hangin' around in the hopes that you'll molest her again..."  
  
Vincent growled.  
  
"...or somone elso overhearing us and getting the wrong idea...or right idea in this case..." Cid continued. Vincent groaned.  
  
"Aw, quit you're bellyachin'," Cid said. "Get up! And comb your hair! You look fuckin' ridiculous," he added with a laugh. Indeed, Vincent's hair first thing in the morning resembled something out of an 80's nightmare. Well aware of this, and a little embarrassed, Vincent found his red bandana by the bed and tied his unruly hair back as he always did, never releasing the laughing Cid from his deathlike glare.  
  
Cid wiped a tear away from his eye as he found his composure. "So that's why you wear that thing, huh?" he asked. "And here I was thinking it was just to look tough."   
  
Vincent sighed. "My, but aren't we full of smart ass wit this morning," he replied venemously.  
  
"Come on Vinny! Pull some pants on and get your ass out in the cockpit! I can see you'll need plenty of coffee, so I'm gonna go make some and meet you out there!" Cid said, realizing that the morning was getting away from him and he couldn't wait to hear what Vincent had in mind for their mission. With that, he was out of the bedroom, making a beeline for the coffee machine.   
  
Vincent yawned again and shook his head. He had a plan the night before, but it was going take time to come to all of his senses and remember it. Vincent scoffed. 'It's not as though I'm even capable of completely coming to my senses anyway,' he realized. 'Otherwise, I wouldn't be up at the crack of dawn to discuss covert operations concerning Tifa's chest with Cid.'   
  
He scoffed again at the thought of Cid. He was acting like a kid on Christmas morning waiting impatiently for his parents to wake up so he could open presents. That was Cid though.   
  
'I can't believe how I laughed last night,' he thought as he got dressed. 'Have I really opened up that much? Of course, I was really tired last night...' Vincent looked down thoughtfully at his claw. 'Then again, this whole thing is so ridiculous, how could one not laugh about it? I am human after all.' Vincent stopped strapping on his shoes for a moment at that thought. 'Is that true? I thought was just a monster...'  
  
"Hey! Are you moping already!?" Vincent jumped, and twirled around to see Cid glaring impatiently with his morning cigarette hanging out of his mouth and gripping a coffee pot in one hand, and two mugs in the other.   
  
"Come on, goddammit! Time's wasting! You can philosophize about what you are later!"  
  
Vincent cocked an eyebrow in surprise. "How did you...?"  
  
Cid rolled his eyes. "Because it must be like waking up with a bad hangover,' he replied simply. Vincent's confused expression didn't change. Cid heaved a heavy sigh.  
  
"Ya know, it's like this: you've been so caught up in your past, you didn't even realize that you're living in the now, and then it hit you all of a sudden, ya know? That's why you were laughing so hard last night. It hit you like a ton of bricks, and now you're thinkin' the next morning, 'whoa, did I do that?' Now you're feeling all guilty for being human."  
  
Vincent stared at his friend. 'Human...'  
  
It made sense, in a Cid sort of way. How strange it was to have Cid of all people actually understand him.  
  
"I said you can philosophize later, now get in here!" Cid yelled. Vincent smiled, and followed Cid into the cockpit, shaking his head.  
  
Minutes later in the cockpit of the Highwind....  
  
"Alright, Valentine. What's on your mind?" Cid asked eagerly as he poured Vincent a cup of coffee. He rubbed his hands together for a moment, then leaned back in his chair lighting yet another cigarette, and propped his feet up on the controls, waiting for Vincent to talk. Vincent couldn't decide if he reminded him of some shady businessman, or a counselor.  
  
After a taking a sip of the much needed coffee, Vincent began to explain.  
  
"Well, I figure that Cloud will be in an especially good mood today considering...last night's activities..."  
  
"Last night's activities! Oh that's good, Valentine. I like the way you think, you old dog," Cid interrupted. Vincent nodded patiently, and went on.  
  
"So, I thought that maybe if you and I invited him out for a night on the town, he wouldn't be much opposed to a few drinks..."  
  
"Yeah...that's a good idea! I mean who woudn't be up for some good ol' fashioned drinking after getting laid!" Cid added. Vincent sighed. What little modesty he was trying to leave for Cloud and Tifa was obviously not working.  
  
He went on nonetheless. "So after he's had a few drinks..."  
  
"Right, when he's too loaded to know which end is which..."  
  
Vincent sighed, obviously annoyed.   
  
"...I think we might be able to casually, emphasis on the word casually, ask what's going on between Tifa and himself..."  
  
"Yeah, we want to know if he's gotten any! I mean, we know that he did, but he doesn't know we know..."  
  
"Cid, please. Then, when he's opened up about the whole ordeal..."  
  
"Then he'll be more than willing to tell us about Tifa's titties!"  
  
"Cid! Would you just shut...hey, you didn't call them puppies..."  
  
"Well it's a good plan Vinny," Cid said. "However, I have my doubts."  
  
Vincent looked at him questionably. "Doubts? What are you talking about?"  
  
Cid leaned forward, closer to Vincent, and folded his hands earnestly in his lap, as though he were about to tell Vincent, 'thank you for your time. You'll be hearing from us in a few weeks, but don't bother calling us.'  
  
"What if Cloud doesn't want to drink?" Cid asked.   
  
Vincent shook his head. "He will. You said so yourself that anyone would be in the mood for drinking after getting laid...I mean, after last night's...activities..."  
  
"Yeah but, what if he's Mormon?" Cid went on. Vincent scrunched his face in a 'what the hell are you talking about?' expression. "Ya know. They don't drink," Cid explained.  
  
Vincent plopped back against the back of the chair, closed his eyes, and rubbed his temples as though he could already feel a headache forming.   
  
"Cid," he said, exasperated, "I'm pretty sure that Cloud isn't Mormon, and I'm pretty sure he'll be more than happy to have a few drinks, especially if someone else is paying for them."  
  
Cid nodded, as though to say, 'you may just have a point.' "Let's just get one thing straight," he went on.  
  
"Hmm?" Vincent replied.  
  
"That someone else is you."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Vincent asked harshly, his 5:00 a.m. patience wearing thin.  
  
Cid sighed and rolled his eyes, his own patience, although a litle more unfounded than Vincent's, wearing thin as well.  
  
"The someone else paying for drinks? That's you. This is your plan, and the drinks are on you, alright?"  
  
A little annoyed, but too exhausted to argue, Vincent just nodded, grunting out a 'fine,' and a few more grumbles to the effect that it wasn't like he hadn't had to cross dress and feel up a teenager, or anything like that, so paying for overpriced drinks at a bar for three people was no problem.  
  
"Quit your bitchin,'" Cid huffed. "This is payback for almost getting my damn arm ripped off by one of your pet demons."  
  
Vincent ignored Cid's comments, and poured another cup of coffee. It was going to be a long day.  
  
Later that afternoon, everyone was back on the Highwind, although two particular members of the crew were noticably more tired than the others. Cid was falling asleep at the controls of the ship, wishing desperately that he hadn't insisted upon waking Vincent up at 5:00 a.m. when he hadn't gotten much more sleep than his friend had in the first place. Vincent had tried to sneak away to take a nap, but Cid insisted that he stay in the cockpit with everyone else, just to make sure Cloud didn't slip away before they could find a good time to ask him to go out for drinks. Vincent had insisted that that was entirely, completely, and utterly unnecessary, but Cid convinced him that 8:00 a.m. was an odd time to ask someone if they wanted to go out drinking. So, Vincent sat in his usual corner, although this time slumped in an exhausted heap on the floor, keeping an eye on Cloud in between nodding off. It still seemed like a pointless thing to do, since all Cloud had been doing all morning was little exercises and reading comic books.   
  
Battles were the worse though, as Cid and Vincent both proved to be more than slightly off kilter. Cid accidentally healed an enemy, and Vincent was nearly killed by a mangy Nibelheim wolf. Cloud himself seemed to have other things on his mind as well, as Cid pointed out to Vincent with a lecherous grin when Cloud had left the Highwind forgetting to put on any armor. Vincent rolled his eyes at Cid's suggestive comments, but had to admit that Cloud's mind was definitely elsewhere.   
  
"I don't know how I could have forgotten my armor! Hehe!" Cloud said with a shrug after ending a battle that should have ended a lot more easily than it did. Cid nodded and laughed like a dirty old man, much to Cloud's confusion, as an irritated Vincent elbowed Cid in the ribs. Cid shut up, but kept his lecherous smile on his face.  
  
"We all seem to be a bit out of it," Vincent agreed. "It would be a good evening to go out and have a few drinks, wouldn't you say?"  
  
"Oh yeah, definitely a good night for some drinks. I'd be up for that," Cid replied a little too eagerly. "You're paying, right Vinny?"   
  
Vincent cringed at Cid's reaction, as the last thing he said sounded as though he were reading it off of a que card.  
  
"Yes Cid, drinks are on me," he replied through gritted teeth. "How about it, Cloud?"  
  
Cloud looked rather perplexed at the fact that Vincent was suggesting anything social, let alone offering to pay for it, and Cid was acting even stranger than ususal. Still, free drinks are free drinks.  
  
"Sure. Sounds like a good way to wind down," Cloud replied.  
  
"Now Cloud, it's just us okay? We need a boy's night out," Cid went on, speaking as though Cloud were a toddler. Vincent held back the urge to slap his forehead in exsperation.   
  
"Boy's night out? What you fools talkin' 'bout?" The three boys turned to see Barrett aproaching them.  
  
"Oh! Barrett! Hi. How's it going, Barrett?" Cid asked awkwardly. Vincent internalized a sigh. This was not going to turn out as planned. Barrett eyed Cid suspiscously, but shrugged it off.  
  
"Vincent and Cid were just talking about having a boy's night out, and Vince is paying. Sounds like fun, huh? " Cloud replied.   
  
"Vincent was talkin' 'bout a boy's night out? And he's payin'?" Barrett looked to Vincent in disbelief, who just silently nodded his head in confirmation.  
  
"You feelin' alright, man?" Barrett asked him, refusing to believe that Vincent Valentine would be the one to suggest such a thing.  
  
"You should come. I haven't had a good night of drinking in ages," Cloud said with a laugh. Barrett nodded.   
  
"Yeah, alright. Why not? If this cracka's payin', why not?" Cid looked to Vincent with a look of horror on his face, but Vincent just shrugged, as if to say, what can we do about it? Cid sauntered off mumbling cuss words, as Cloud headed back to the Highwind with Barrett.   
  
Vincent shook his head, and followed slowly behind them. It had been such a long day...And he had a feeling it was going to be an even longer night.  
  
  
  
  
A little disclaimer: The Mormon quip is in no way intended to be offensive. I have nothing against Mormons, and wrote that to make you laugh at Cid's bizarre thought process. I mean, if you think about it, why would it be offensive? Not drinking is a good thing. Not that drinking is a bad thing, but...Look, just don't be offended, okay?


	11. ch 11

Ch. 11

            "He's going to ruin it, Vinny!"  Cid was throwing a tantrum as he and Vincent were getting ready for their little excursion.  Vincent was getting rather annoyed at Cid's fit, but he was doing his best to ignore it.

            "Look, Cid I know things are going to be a bit trickier with Barret tagging along. But there's nothing we can do about it, so you might as well just shut up and help me scrounge up enough gil for tonight." Vincent and Cid had stopped in at the Shinra mansion because Cid had come up with the "brilliant" idea to dig around in all of the mattresses of the furniture in the creepy old house to find any much needed spare change that might have collected over the years.  Vincent had been reluctant, reminding Cid that the dark and dank mansion was one place that held enough bad memories for him, and that to return would be to traumatize him yet further.  

            Cid had just rolled his eyes.  "Vinny, you were a damn lab rat for crying out loud! Dr. Frankenstein knocked up the love of your life, and you spent thirty years in a coffin having nightmares about it and woke up to find the world comin' to an end!  I think you can survive a few more minutes in that shit hole _one more time_!"  With that, Cid had stormed off, leaving Vincent with his hand twitching over his gun holster, trying with the whole of his being to calm the raging Chaos within him.

            Vincent sighed.  Now he was back at that nightmarish mansion, listening to Cid yell and whine.  He was beginning to believe that Cid had really wanted a place to go to rant and rave about the situation rather than to look for enough gil to ensure that everyone was good and drunk later that night.

            'I don't think I'm going to want to remember this night,' Vincent silently mused.  Cid proceeded to throw a fit.  

            "While we're at it we might as well invite Red XIII!  He's a guy!  Why not invite him for a "boy's night" out too!  Not that he has opposable thumbs to drink with us, but hell, why not?  The more, the fuckin' merrier!"

            "Cid, would you calm down?  It's not that big of a deal," Vincent suggested, but to no avail.

            Cid continued.  "And Cait Sith can come to with that creepy moogle of his!  They're boys too, right?  Well they may be mechanical little tinker toys, but who gives a shit, right?  Hell, why don't we just take Tifa and ask her to strip!  Ha!  That's a plan right there!"

            Vincent shrugged, giving up all attempts to shut the loud mouthed pilot up.  It was futile, he realized.

            "This is just like when Yuffie thrust her kiddy tits into your hands on our fuckin' first plan!  We almost had the answer right there at the tip of your fingers, but no!  That goddamned kid had to ruin it!  First she steals the materia, and then she ruins our plans, the little bi-"

            "Whoa, Cid!  She's just a kid, so watch what you call her, okay?  And check the cushions of that chair over there."

            "Aaarrgh!" Cid shook his fists in frustration of not being able to finish a cuss word.  It didn't stop him from complaining though.

            "And then Tifa just _had_ to ruin the plan of making you into a woman-"

            "Cid, that was a disaster waiting to happen.  We should be thanking Tifa for stopping that before it started."

            "-and then Cloud just waltzes into Tifa's room that night at the inn like, 'oh yes, I'm Mr. Hotshit, here to satisfy you' and that plan goes down the fuckin' shitter!  It's Barret's turn to fuck things up! Dammit, shit, sonuva-!"

            Vincent listened to his friend get more and more creative with the curses and wondered if there wasn't a dictionary of obscenities from which Cid had been dutifully studying his whole life.  When the storm died down a bit, and Cid was on the floor pulling his hair out, Vincent cleared his throat.

            "Yeah!?  What the hell do ya want? Speak up!"  Cid snapped.  Vincent held out his hand, which was full of extra gil.

            "I can't believe that this plan of yours actually worked.  I've found 15 extra gil,"  Vincent replied.

            "I told you it would be worth it!"  Cid said, as he handed him the lone gil that he happened to find as he was ripping up an old cushion in his earlier frenzy.  Vincent shook his head.  

            "Thanks for helping out, Cid," he replied dryly as he pocketed the gil.  "And I'd hardly say that facing the demons of my past in this hellhole was worth 16 gil, but whatever you say…"

            "Yeah, yeah, shuddup," Cid replied as he lit up a cigarette.  "Let's get outta here.  It's creepy."

            On the way out the door, Vincent realized just how much disastrous potential the night held, and grew rather nervous.  It had been quite some time since Vincent had been out socializing, and he was never good at those sorts of things in the first place.  He also knew that Cid was unpredictable and had nearly given them away before, and a drunk Cid was going to be ten times worse.

            "Look Cid, about tonight. Let's not get too out of hand with the drinking.  I mean, we want Cloud and Barret drunk, not us.  If we say the wrong thing at the wrong time, we're finished," Vincent pointed out.

            "Oh you leave it to me, Vinny.  I guarantee that I can drink you all under the table.  You're the one who'll need to watch yourself," Cid assured him.  Vincent smiled wryly.  It was true that he hadn't had a drink in thirty years.  His tolerance for the stuff had probably diminished significantly since then.  

            Cid suddenly laughed.  "Although, it would be damn funny to see you wasted off your scrawny, non-existent ass!  I've already seen you laugh like a maniac, and with your eighties revival hair in the morning, and what you look like as a woman…Bwahahahahaha!"  Cid slapped his knee, laughing until he was red in the face and his laugh had been reduced to a series of short, airy squeals.  Vincent's eye twitched.

            "My non-existent ass?  When did you notice that, huh?  When you were eagerly pulling panty hose on my legs, or was it when I wasn't looking?"  Vincent asked.  It worked like a charm.

            "Oh, shut up!"  Cid replied, now bright red from embarrassment.  "Just the thought of your ass makes me need a drink!"

            "Or a smoke," Vincent pointed out, as Cid was about to light up.  Cid turned a little redder, and put the cigarette back in his pack.  Vincent was surprised.  'This may be a way to actually get him to quit smoking,' he realized.  Unable to resist he added, "Was it good for you too, Captain?"

            As luck would have it, Vincent had added that last comment as the two entered the Highwind, with none other than Tifa to greet them.  She giggled and winked at the two.

            "My, my, my.  Where did you two run off to in such a hurry?" she teased.  Vincent smirked.  "Now, Tifa, that's our secret," He winked.  Tifa giggled again, and left the two alone.

            Cid would have pummeled Vincent right then and there, if he wasn't afraid that Tifa would get another very wrong idea.  Instead, he settled for socking him as hard as he could in the arm.  Vincent couldn't help but laugh.

            "Vinny, you're a damn pervert, you know that?  If only the others knew you like I do. Now don't start all that shit again, unless you want me to shove my Venus Gospel up your ass!"

            "Is that a promise?" Vincent asked with a laugh, as he watched Cid's face contort from confusion to shock to a mixture of embarrassment and anger at that comment.

            "A damned perv!" was all he could manage before storming off from a very amused Vincent.

Later that night at the Gold Saucer…

            "Man, it's been a long time since I had a good drink.   Too bad Tifa ain't here.  That girl can make a drink that'll bite ya' right in the ass!"  Barret laughed.  

            "Yeah.  I'll bet Tifa would have liked to come with us," Cloud replied wistfully.  

            "You wanna bet?" Cid replied.  Vincent elbowed him in the ribs, and gave him an, "I'm warning you" look.  Cid shut up quickly.

            "So, Valentine, ya finally decided to join the world of the livin'?  Good for you, man.  I was starting to wonder about you, man.  Thought you was a vampire, or some shi't," Barret said as the boys gathered around the bar.  Vincent repressed the urge to role his eyes at that comment, deciding that he and Barret had rarely spoken, and he may as well not get off on the wrong foot with him, especially this night.  In fact, Vincent had hardly spoken to anyone on the Highwind, save for Cid, which was by far the most unusual relationship with anyone he'd ever had.  Vincent shifted uncomfortably, realizing that the entire night was going to be awkward for him, and probably for the others too, considering Vincent was all but mute to them, and now here he was buying them drinks.  'We'd better start drinking,' Vincent thought to himself.

            "One beer, please," Vincent mumbled to the barkeep.  The rest of the boys followed suit.  As they sat sipping their beers, an awkward silence descended upon the group.  They glanced around the room, trying their hardest to appear casual, clearing their throats every few minutes, and shifting in their seats.

            "So…" Cid began slowly, trying to think of something to say.  'What the hell do four very different men talk about when they're just hangin' around?' Cid wondered to himself.  He glanced at Cloud, who was looking around the room with a look on his face that seemed to signal that his brain was desperately looking for something to break the silence with.  Barret was scowling like he always did, at something off in the distance that only he could see, and Vincent was staring gloomily into his beer, as though his reflection in the amber liquid greatly depressed him. 'Heh. Helluva group,' Cid thought to himself sarcastically. 

            'Wait a minute.  What do me and Vinny usually talk about?' He pondered.  'Boobs!  Vinny and I always talk about that!  If there's something most men are interested in, it's boobs!  Even Vinny the old prude likes 'em!'

            "Hey, check out that chick over there.  She's pretty hot," Cid said with a nod to a far corner of the room, to a scantily clad, blond woman with a physique that nearly matched Tifa's.  

            "Yeah, nice bod too," Barret agreed.

            "Especially in that tight dress," Cloud added.

            "…"

            "Ahem," Cid pretended to clear his throat.  "Don't you think she's pretty hot, Vinny?"  Cid asked, trying to include Vincent in his brilliant ice-breaking conversation.

Cloud and Barret turned to Vincent, waiting anxiously for a reply from him, the inhumanly stoic Vincent, the mysteriously cold and distant, dark man, that apparently had only had eyes for a single woman in his entire life.  But he _was_ human, right?  He was just another one of the guys, right?  They leaned forward, the moment hanging by a thread, waiting on pins and needles for his reply.

            Vincent looked up at his three companions, and suddenly felt like he was in high school again, peer pressure encouraging him to look at that woman over there, and ogle her like a some lech that…wait a minute, he thought to himself.  I've been obsessed with Tifa's chest for some time now.  I _am_ a lech.

            "She's very attractive," he finally said, as he took another sip of his beer. Barret and Cloud looked at each other, apparently taken aback, but satisfied with the response.  Vincent was human, after all.  They sat back in their chairs nodding in agreement.  Then, it was quiet again.  Sensing another awkward silence coming on, Vincent mustered up all his nerve, and continued.

            "Of course, I prefer women with darker hair, as opposed to blondes."

            Barret, Cloud and Cid stared at him.  Now he was attempting to keep a conversation rolling?!  A conversation about women?!  Vincent shifted again as they stared and ordered another drink.  Straight shots of whiskey this time.  He had a feeling he would be needing it.  Cid found his composure, and lit up a cigarette.

            "Who cares what color her hair is when she's got a body like that?" He asked with a lecherous grin.  "It ain't the hair I'm lookin' at."

            "I don't know, I'm with Vincent on this one," Cloud replied.  "Brunettes tend to be more attractive to me too.  There's just something about them, eh Vin?"

            "Mmmhmm," Vincent replied slowly.  He poured a shot glass full of whiskey and offered it to Cloud.  Cloud gave him a strange look, and then laughed a little, took the shot glass, and stated, "Here's to the brunettes!" and glanced expectantly at Vincent.  Seeing that he was expected to drink to that, he poured himself a shot and mumbled, "hear, hear," and downed the shot. 'What have I gotten myself into this time?' he thought.

            Cid couldn't help but laugh, thinking about Cloud and Tifa's little secret romance.  "Yeah, it seems that you do prefer brunettes, Cloud," he said with a wink.  Cloud blushed a little.  "What do you mean?"  

            'Not yet Cid, he's not drunk enough,' Vincent thought, as he kicked Cid underneath the barstools.

            "Ouch!  Will you watch where you stomp your fuckin' pointy iron boots, Valentine?"  Cid yelled.  Luckily, Barret saved the conversation.

            "Y'all don't know an attractive woman, till you been with a black woman.  Now talk about hot women!"  Barret ordered himself a shot of whiskey. 

            "See, Cid?  Barret likes the brunettes too," Cloud said with a grin as he poured himself and Vincent another drink.  

            "Extra, extra brunette," Barret added, holding up his shot glass for a toast.

            "Ah, hell, I'll drink to that," Cid said holding up his own glass.  Reluctantly, Vincent picked up his shot to join in with his slightly buzzed friends.

            "Of course, Cid, you'd drink to belly button lint, so it's not all that special now, is it?" Vincent mumbled sarcastically.  Cloud and Barret cracked up.  The shot glasses were empty again.  Vincent sighed.  This was going to be an interesting night.


	12. ch 12

Ch. 12

Oh, wow. 12 chapters, and I'm still not done! Is anyone tired of this fic? Is it going on too long? Remember back in Chapter 9 when I claimed I was almost done? Why do I tell so many lies? (sigh) Well, I hope I still have some readers, because I'm having a blast writing this thing. It's just so much fun to put my favorite video game characters in such odd situations, especially Vincent :) And since summer's finally here does a stupid little dance and I've finally graduated from that hellhole disguised as a school, I may just update this thing more than once every blue moon! Oh, you lucky people! Anyhow, I hope this ridiculous little story is still well liked, and I thank you for reading it. Now, on with the show!

No less than 30 minutes into the night, the boys were feeling the full effects of their alcohol. Cid was chattering on and on about his Highwind, the Tiny Bronco, and other machines that only he really cared about. Cloud was telling jokes that he'd heard from his time training to be in SOLDIER that were suddenly much funnier to him (and everyone else) now that he had a substantial amount of alcohol in his blood. Barret was laughing heartily at everything anyone had to say, and Vincent was sitting quietly, listening to them all, and contemplating the situation at hand. He would snicker unexpectedly now and then at one of Cloud's stupid jokes, much to his surprise, as well as everyone else's. Then he would sit quietly, remembering the whole reason why he was sitting there getting drunk with everyone, and suddenly turn introspective. 

'How are we going to do this?' he wondered. 'Are they all drunk enough? Maybe a few more shots of whiskey…'

"I mean, if ya wanted to get that baby really going, if could fly at 500 mph like a bat out of hell. No shit, I'm telling you…"

"So a pirate walks into a bar, and the barkeep notices the pirate's got a steering wheel in his pants…"

"Hehehe!"

"… and he asks him, 'why you got a steering wheel in your pants?' The pirate says, 'Aarrgh! It's drivin' me nuts!"

"Bwahahaha!"

Yes, maybe a few more shots would be a good idea, but not too many. Vincent ordered another round for everyone, but decided to keep his own to slowly sip on. Cid, Cloud, and Barret downed theirs before Cloud noticed that Vincent hadn't slammed his back with the rest of them.

"Hey, Vin my man," Cloud slurred as he leaned ungainly across the bar at Vincent. "Whatcha doin'? Yer not done yet, are ya?"

Barret and Cid looked over at Vincent expectantly, waiting for him to gulp down his drink. Vincent gave Cid a 'help me out here' look, which was met by a very drunk Cid giving a blank stare. And then,

"Yeah, Vinny. Ya ain't wussin' out yet, are ya?" Vincent rolled his eyes, feeling the night's plan slip away beyond all hopes of salvation.

"Maybe he needs blood, not whiskey. Hehehe!" Barret quipped, and the other two laughed as though that were the funniest thing they had ever heard. Vincent shifted in his seat, hoping that perhaps something shiny across the room would distract their attention away from him. No such luck.

"Come on Vin! Do it, do it, do it!" Cloud yelled, slamming his hand down on the bar repeatedly. A few heads began to turn in their direction, which caused Barret to shush Cloud, quite loudly, in between spastic giggles. Cid, being Cid, started to join Cloud's yelling and fist slamming. The barkeep looked up with an annoyed look on his face, and Vincent wondered if he shouldn't just allow him to kick them out of the bar. Instead, he succumbed to the ridiculous pressure, and without a word slammed the shot glass of whiskey back. Cid and Cloud cheered loudly, and Barret continued to shush them and giggle like a little kid.

"If we're not more quiet, we're going to get kicked outta' here," Vincent warned, his speech beginning to slur.

"Awww," Cid whined, as he puckered out his lower lip. Barret and Cloud laughed.

"I'm serious," Vincent replied, suddenly feeling the urge to laugh himself. That last shot had gone straight to his head.

"They ain't gonna do shi't," Barret said waving his hand, as though to dismiss the very idea. "They gonna see this here gun arm, and they ain't gonna do shi't. They gonna see your claw, Vinny, and they ain't gonna do shi't. They gonna see this cracka's Mako eyes, and you know what they gonna do?"

"They ain't gonna do shit," Cloud chimed in. He and Barret gave each other a clumsy high five.

Vincent smirked. "Perhaps, but what about Cid? He'll be kicked outta here in no time."

Cid flipped off Vincent. "Bull shit! I look tough enough. They ain't gonna do shit to me either," he replied, satisfied.

"Oh right, they're going to see this old, washed up, haggard pilot and shiver in their boots," Cloud shot back sarcastically.

"Damn right! They'll know better than to fuck with ol' Highwind," Cid said confidently. "Cause' you know what they'll do?" He went on, leaning across the bar as though he were about to reveal the secrets of the universe to his drinking buddies. The other three leaned in, eager to hear. "They'll see these eyes," Cid pointed to his eyes, darting his finger back and forth in front of them. "They'll see these hardened ol' eyes, and they'll shiver…with fear." He leaned back knowingly, with a satisfied nod and took a drag from his cigarette. The other three leaned back and looked at each other silently. Then, in unison, all three began to bust up, laughing hysterically - even Vincent.

"What?!" Cid demanded angrily. "I'm tough, goddammit!" That only made the other three laugh more. Cid glared furiously at his drinking "buddies" then slammed his fist down on the bar. "Awlright then! If any one of ya' is as tough as you say you are, then let's see who can drink who under the damn table!" Vincent suddenly stopped laughing. This was getting out of control a little too quickly.

"Cid, I don't think that's a very good-"

"Awww, shut up, Valentine! With a name like that, and hair that long, ya' oughta be protecting yer manhood with all ya' got! Yer pretty enough to even look like a woman! In that dress you were wearin' and that makeup a few days ago-"

"Cid, keep your mouth sh-"

"Wait, what? You were in drag?! Vincent?! Vincent Valentine?! King Creepy?! Mr. Oh My Goth?! In drag?! Bwahahahahaha!" This intelligent statement was provided by Cloud.

"What you laughin' at, cracka'? You dressed in drag too! You even let that don hit on you! Your spiky ass ain't got no room to talk!" Barret reminded Cloud, shaking his gun arm at him the whole time.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," Cloud replied a bit grumpily. Barret turned to Vincent, and asked rather innocently (sounding a bit too interested), "So what's it like to wear women's clothing?"

"Errrm…"

"It's embarrassing, that's what it's like," Cloud answered for him. "Everyone staring at your ass and your breasts," Cloud crossed his arms over his chest protectively. "I mean, you feel like a piece of meat…Men are such dogs…."

"That's why I'm tryin' to understand, you know," Barret chimed in. "I mean, really, what's it like to be a woman?"

"Who's going to drink with me and prove their fuckin' manhood?!" Cid demanded once more.

"Don't be such a pig, Cid," Cloud yelled back.

"Yeah, I ain't gotta prove shi't to no one." Barret proclaimed triumphantly.

"Awww, to hell with allaya!" Cid slammed back a few more shots.

It was silent for some time amongst the group, a silence which Vincent was honestly thankful for. Now that the three men (excluding Cid) had decided that men were all dogs, Vincent wondered how the subject of Tifa's breasts would ever be brought up. And since his mind was feeling quite fuzzy due to the alcohol, any hopes of coming up with a feasible plan seemed to circle the drain. Cid was still experiencing an impressive memory lapse even for a drunk person, as to why they were there drinking in the first place. Vincent decided this was probably a good thing, considering that a drunk Cid would probably botch things up even worse than a sober Cid.

"Vincent?" Cloud suddenly asked, interrupting Vincent's reverie.

"Yes?" Vincent replied.

"Why were you dressed as a woman?"

"Errrrm…"

"Holy Shit!" Cid suddenly yelled. The pilot jumped up from his barstool, and nearly onto his backside. He gave Vincent an astonished look, to which Vincent replied with a confused, arched eyebrow.

"I just remembered somethin'! Ummm…" Cid looked around the room as if to look for some sort of distraction. Finally, he grabbed Vincent by the arm and pulled him up.

"I've gotta go to bathroom!" Cid declared. "Vincent hasta' go to the bathroom too!" With that he pulled a confused Vincent violently towards the direction of the men's room, leaving an even more confused Barret and Cloud at the bar.

"That's so weird," Cloud said, looking wide-eyed at Barett.

"What?" Barret asked.

"How did Cid know that Vincent had to go to the bathroom? He didn't even say anything!" Cloud threw his arms up in the air, exasperated, too drunk, and impressed with Cid.

"Yeah…" Barret said. "And ya' know what's even spookier? They had to go at the same time." The two stared at each other in wonderment for a while, and then ordered two drinks.

Meanwhile, over at the men's room…

"Cid, I'm already missing one of my original arms, so please don't rip this one out," Vincent slurred as Cid roughly dragged him into the men's room. The two of them were stumbling a bit, and Vincent had groaned at the sudden realization of just how drunk he was when he was jerked so suddenly from of his seat. Cid on the other hand, was enjoying his drunkeness, and was all too sorry that it hadn't occured under different circumstances. But oh, the circumstances!

"Now Vinny, listen to me," Cid began. He whirled around to face Vincent, only a little too quickly. He slowly teetered forward into Vincent, who in turn began to teeter backwards. Thankfully, a wall was there to save the two from falling over completely onto each other. Cid steadied himself, slowly and carefully, bracing on Vincent's shoulder, which he found to be a good enough crutch to cling to as he stood. Vincent leaned limply against the wall.

"Now, listen," Cid repeated, shoving a pointed finger clumsily into Vincent's face, which somehow found itself roughly into one of Vincent's nostrils.

"What the hell?" Vincent muttered, scrunching his face up in an annoyed and somewhat confused expression as he swiped at the offending finger. Cid cursed and wiped his finger disgustedly on Vincent's red cloak before continuing.

"Now listen," he repeated yet again. "Ya' know, we're here for a reason, not to just sit around and get wasted, Valentine. We're on a mission. You should take it easy on the booze, ya' know."

Vincent looked offended. "_I_ should take it easy on the booze?" He glared indignantly at the pilot, who was still bracing his teetering body on his shoulder. "I'm not the one who was demanding that everyone drink more and more to 'prove their manhood." With the last statement, Vincent deepened his voice to a ridiculous note and pounded his fist like a caveman on his chest. Cid snickered, realizing how 'un-Vincent' Vincent's mannerisms were when drunk. Vincent continued.

"And then, you and Cloud start beating yer fists on the bar and yelling at me to drink more-"

"Yer voice sounds funny when yer drunk, hehe..."

"Shuddup. And then you bring up the whole dressing like a woman ordeal. I can't believe you brought that up!" Vincent slapped his forehead dramatically at the reminder. Cid kept snickering.

"Oh, they'll forget about that. Man, you really can't hold yer alcohol..."

"Shut up! Now what're we gonna do? I don't know if we can pull this off in our present states," Vincent threw his arms up in the air, and nearly knocked Cid off of him and onto the floor. Cid just shook his head.

"Well, maybe yer too trashed to know yer head from yer ass-"

"A problem I'm sure yer familiar with, sober or drunk," Vincent added, angry at the implications of tonight's alcohol intake. Cid ignored him.

"-but I know how to handle this. Before ya' know it, Cloud will spill the beans, and the truth behind Tifa's puppies will be revealed! Hahahahaha!" Cid laughed sinisterly.

"Why the hell do you call them puppies?" Vincent asked, irritated. Cid ignored him, and dragged him back to the bar where their drinking buddies awaited.

Back at the bar, Barret and Cloud had already ordered themselves more drinks, as well as drinks for Cid and Vincent by the time the two had come back. Cid plopped back onto his bar stool, and Vincent slowly eased back onto his. He pretended to not notice the drink before him, but Cloud shoved it practically right into his face.

"Here," Cloud said. "It's called a Costa Del Sol Ice Tea. They're really good. I got one for you too, Cid." With that, Cloud began to slurp on his own drink. Vincent sighed. He remembered Costa Del Sol Ice Teas from way back when he was a Turk. They were especially popular with people that had highly stressful jobs, such as the Turks, due to the fact that nearly every hard liquor under the sun made up its contents. Vincent had had them a few times, and one was enough to get anyone good and drunk. Still, he decided that since it was a mixed drink, he could pretend to sip it slowly and allow some of the earlier effects of the alchol he had drank wear off. That would have been hard to do with a shot of whiskey. He looked over at Cid, hoping that he had figured this our himself, but instead, to Vincent's horror, the pilot had accepted the drink gleefully and had already gulped down about a quarter of the drink. Vincent mentally slapped his forehead, and kicked Cid in the shin beaneath the table. Cid looked around, and asked, "Didjyou kick me, Vinny? I coulda swore I felt summthin'..." Vincent clenched his fist, holding back the raging urge to start a barroom brawl with the stupid pilot. He heaved a sigh. It looked like the rest of the night was in his hands after all.


	13. ch 13

Ch. 13

Vincent shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He looked around at his companions. All three were quite inebriated, including Cid, who was more than just slightly off kilter. There would be no help from him. In fact, at that moment, Cid and Cloud were engaging in an apparently heated thumb war, which Barret was attempting to referee. And there sat Vincent, silently wondering how he was going to bring up Tifa to Cloud without offending anyone or sounding like a pervert. Vincent sighed. He had never been one to start a conversation. It was difficult enough for him to carry one. And a conversation about...that? Even the alcohol in his system was not allowing him to loosen up enough. This was quite a challenge. Finally, Vincent decided that the only way to bring up the issue would be to act natural about it

'Perhaps if we started to talk about women again, I could ease into the subject of Tifa,' he thought to himself, mindlessly sipping on his drink. He caught himself after the unneeded alcohol reached his brain. He sat the drink down and scooted it away from himself a few inches, cautiously. 'Focus, Vincent, focus,' he scolded. He looked over to the other three.

"One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war..."

'Well, they seem preoccupied,' Vincent thought. 'I'll have to get their attention somehow...' He began to look around the room, and noticed several women in various parts of the bar staring at him and whispering. He sighed, slightly depressed.

'They must be disturbed by my chrome arm. I must seem monstrous to them...' he pouted, completely unaware of the fact that he was being drooled over. 'I wonder what Lucrecia would think of me if she saw me now...' Feeling a bit more depressed now, he quickly shoved that thought from his mind. 'No, Vincent. We need to bring up women, but not that one...' Again, he shifted and gave in to the temptation to take another sip from the potent drink Cloud had bought him. Feeling a bit better (perhaps a little too much better), he went back to his thoughts. 'Okay, women. Women. Women. Women...breasts...puppies...goddammit!..."

Just then, Vincent caught a glimpse of a woman across the room. She was quite attractive - in fact, very much so, with long black hair, fair skin, and large green eyes that were noticeable even across the room. She wasn't particularly busty, but he was sure that she would still catch the interest of the other men.

"Cloud, you sonuvabitch, you can't lift yer fuckin' elbow off the bar! That's cheating! It' cheating, isn't it Barret?" Cid was yelling. Barret shrugged. "I didn't see it. Vincent, is Cloud cheatin'?" Vincent glanced over at the other three, and saw his chance to start a conversation. He cleared his throat, feeling a bit ridiculous and embarrassed all of a sudden.

"I, um wasn't paying attention..." Vincent began, before Cloud started yelling, "I wasn't cheating! I didn't lift my elbow! Cid's lying! I'm not cheating!" Cid pounded his fist down on the bar angrily.

"Don't you call me a liar, ya' little shit! You know damn good and well that you lifted yer fuckin' elbow!" Cid yelled back. Vincent went on, hoping to catch their attention and calm their little battle over the validity of their thumb war.

"I was, um... there's a woman..."

Barret cut him off. "Look, I didn't see Spike lift his elbow, but I ain' sure, so we're just goin' to have to have a re-match." Cid was stubborn. "I don't want a re-match if this bastard is just gonna cheat!"

"This really attractive woman..."

"I didn't cheat, you old fart!"

"Old! What're you ramblin' about! Barret's older than I am! If anyone's an old fart, it's him!"

"She's standing over there...She's quite pretty..."

"What'd you say to me, cracka'?!"

"There's a really hot woman over there, that I wouldn't mind taking home tonight!"

That did it. The three of men looked at him, shocked by what they had just heard come out of Vincent Valentine's mouth. Even Cid seemed taken aback. Vincent's face went red, just as surprised as everyone else at his words. He had only meant to get their attention. Now he wished they would just go back to their stupid thumb war. The three of them began to laugh a little. Cloud pat Vincent on the back roughly.

"Well! So this guy does have a pulse after all!" Cloud teased. Barret laughed. "'Course he does! You remember that whole incident with Yuffie, don't ya'?"

Vincent groaned. Now _that _was going to have to be brought up. Naively, Vincent looked to Cid for help, who was busy giggling lecherously as well. Vincent could have killed the man.

"Vinny, you hornball! You just can't keep your mind _or_ your hands off of the ladies can ya'?" Cid grabbed Vincent around the neck and gave him a very aggressive noogie. Vincent fumed, trying to keep control over Chaos. It was getting harder and harder to do that.

"So, go talk to her, Vinny. I'll bet she'd think yer real cute," Cloud encouraged. Barret nodded. "Yeah. You ain't got none in 30 years. It's about time." Vincent's face went even more red.

Cid teased him even more. "Yeah, 30 years is a long time. I don't know how yer balls keep from explodin'!" Cloud and Barret roared with laughter. Vincent himself was about to explode. Instead, he decided to play along.

"Yes, Cid. I suppose you would know about going some 30 years or so without sex. That doesn't surprise me in the least," Vincent struggled to keep his composure. It was exceedingly difficult for him to talk like this. 'Yet another sin,' he thought to himself. 'I can't believe I've sunk this low. I should have just stayed in my coffin...'

Cid scowled. "Bullshit, Valentine! I've gotten plenty! But it sure as hell ain't none of your business!" Cid went on. "Besides, I'm just waiting for the right moment to ask Shera out, and then we'll see who'll be gettin' some!" Barret, Cloud, and Vincent stopped and stared at the pilot. It was Cid's turn to go red. He had never admitted _that_ to anyone. Cloud and Barret began to giggle. Vincent just smirked.

"Well, the truth is finally revealed!" Cloud exclaimed. "Just a bit of advice though, man. Make yer own 'goddamn tea' some time. That'll make her swoon."

"Yeah," Barret chimed in. "And how 'bout ya keep the insults to a minimum? Women 'ppreciate that. You'll be a real mack daddy in no time!" Barret and Cloud were laughing again, Vincent still smirking. Cid? Still red.

"Alright, alright, alright!" Cid finally yelled. "So _you _try livin' with a woman for years and not bein' interested!...especially a woman like Shera..." The last bit of the sentence was barely in a whisper, but not quite quiet enough for the other men not to hear.

"Awwww! How sweet," Barret mocked. Cid practically growled. "Alright, Wallace, when was the last time you had a piece, huh? I don't exactly remember you bein' the ladies man."

Barret huffed up. "Man, I ain't had time to chase tail! I got more important things to do, like fight Shinra, and raise Marlene up. Ain't nothin' wrong with that." With that, he took another sip of his drink, and sat back, satisfied with his dignified answer. It wasn't going to work though, not with Cid and Cloud anyway.

"Oh sure. Nice excuse. You should drop by the Honey Bee Inn some time. I'll baby sit Marlene for you. If anyone needs to get their uptight ass laid, it's you Barret," Cloud said. Barret wasn't having it.

"Oh, I ain't goin' by the Honey Bee Inn no time soon. It'd be too awkward to show up and see you hard at work with the other girls, ya' know," Barret replied. Cid was nearly on the floor laughing this time, and if Vincent had not been so understanding towards being forced to dress in drag himself, he might have been on the floor with him.

Cloud was angry. That had done it. He exploded.

"Well, at least I'm the only man here who's actually gotten some lately! While you all sit there and embarrass yerselves, me and Tifa have been doin'..." Cloud stopped cold on his last words. The other three just stared wide-eyed at him. This wasn't news to Vincent and Cid, but they finally had Cloud right where they wanted him.

"Doin' what?" Barret asked, a grin creeping across his face.

Cloud grabbed his drink and began to practically guzzle it. "Umm, nothing, nothing at all, I was just talking, I must be drunk, yeah I'm drunk and don't know what I'm talking about, hehe. So Vincent, you gonna go talk to that girl over there? She's really hot, I think you should go talk to her," Cloud took a breathe only long enough to take another swig of his drink, before grabbing Vincent's and devouring its contents as well.

"Why, Cloud! What a surprise. I had no idea about you and Tifa," Cid said stiffly. "Vincent, did you know about Cloud and Tifa? I know I didn't!" Vincent gritted his teeth, and wondered if Cloud could ever be drunk enough to not notice how awkward Cid was acting at this "new revelation." Thankfully, it seemed that he was.

"No, Cid. I didn't know," Vincent replied with a glare. Barret on the other hand, was sincerely surprised. "Well, well, Spike! How long this been goin' on? I _know_ it was after Aeris..."

"Of course it was!" Cloud yelled. "I would have never done that..."

"But you did Tifa!" Cid blurted out. Vincent cringed. Bringing up Aeris had suddenly turned the mood serious. Cid could ruin it any second now...

"Yeah, you doin' Tifa, man!" Barret chimed in raising his glass to Cloud. Cloud grinned shyly. "Yeah..."

"Well, here's to you doin' Tifa!" Cid raised his own glass. Vincent sighed. 'So much for remembering sweet Aeris,' he thought. Cloud ordered another drink for Vincent, so Vincent could also partake in the toast. 'Here's to doing Tifa?' Vincent thought disgustedly as he took a swig of his drink. 'Oh, the depths to which I've sunk...'

"So Cloud," Cid said casually, bringing Vincent back out of his reverie. 'What's this idiot going to say now?' Vincent wondered grumpily.

"Are Tifa's puppies real?" Vincent gasped. He was already going to ask that?! It was too soon, too awkward, too...

"Puppies?" Cloud asked, puzzled. "I don't think she has any pets...why do you ask?"

"Not puppies, Cloud, puppies! You know what I mean?" Cid repeated as though he had just made his question crystal clear. Cloud just scratched his head, and looked more confused.

"Man, he ain't talkin' about dogs!" Barret laughed. "He's talkin' 'bout titties, man!" Vincent shifted uncomfortably in his seat for the millionth time that night. He wasn't too sure anymore about how Cloud would react to a question like that. If it had been Vincent, and someone had asked him a question like that about Lucrecia, Chaos would have burst through his psyche without warning. How would Cloud react?

Cloud laughed. He laughed and laughed, until he was practically unable to breathe. 'O...kay...' Vincent thought. 'He seems to be taking this well...' Cloud finally found his composure and then began to talk.

"Cid, ya' pervert!" Cloud playfully shoved at Cid. "Ya' noticed those things too, huh?" Cid laughed. "How the hell could I not! They're some damn big puppies!"

Cloud laughed even harder. "Puppies! Oh that's great, man! Why the hell would ya' call them, bwahahahaha (gasp) puppies!?" Vincent arched one eyebrow. Cloud seemed to be drunker by the minute. 'It must have been all those drinks he guzzled when he first told us about Tifa...'

Suddenly, Cloud stopped laughing. His face turned slightly pale, and he wrapped his arm around his stomach. "I don't feel so good guys," With that, his eyes widened, and he clasped his hand over his mouth, darted up from his seat and towards the bathroom, running into several people (and one wall) as he ran...


	14. ch 14

Chapter 14

Cid was cussing up a storm, unlike even Cid had ever done. Vincent sighed, suddenly quite tired. Barret was wondering why Cid was cussing like that, and if he might possibly be possessed.

"Man, shut up! What the hell's up wit' you any damn way?" Barret was saying. Vincent silently got up from his seat, ignoring his two other companions, and slowly stumbled his way to the men's room to make sure that Cloud wasn't in fact experiencing a not-too-surprisingly serious case of alcohol poisoning. Thankfully, this wasn't the case, although there would no doubt be a serious hangover for him to reckon with in the morning. Vincent found Cloud expelling the alcohol from his system rather violently in the first stall of the men's room. Vincent slumped against the wall next to him, patiently waiting for the spikey haired warrior to bring his face out of the toilet bowel. After what seemed like hours, Cloud did just that, resting his head on the toilet seat, muttering, 'Oh, man..."

"You okay?" Vincent asked dumbly, attempting to bring Cloud's heavy head from the not so sanitary toilet seat. Cloud's head just fell like a lead weight back onto the toilet face, with thump that made Vincent cringe. Cloud however, didn't seem to feel it much.

"I'm awlright, man." Cloud managed. "Don't ya' worry 'bout a thing, Vin, mah man." Cloud raised one hand, and clumsily searched for Vincent's shoulder to pat reassuredly. When he couldn't find it, he settled for awkwardly patting Vincent's face instead, much to Vincent's dismay. Then Cloud's hand fell back to his side, like a limp noodle. Again Vincent attempted to bring poor Cloud's face from the public toilet seat.

"Holy, shit! He's dead!" Cid's shrill voice echoed off the tiles in the bathroom. Vincent jumped like he had just been electrocuted, and Cloud's face smacked back to the toilet bowel with a resounding thump that joined the echoes of Cid's loud voice.

"Ouch." Cloud had felt that one.

"Man, he ain't dead. He just tired, thas' all," Barret concluded. The two had finally realized that Vincent was no longer at the bar stool with them anymore, and that Cloud was probably not going to come out of that bathroom without a lot of help.

Vincent rolled his eyes. "He's not tired, and he's not dead. He's completely tanked," he corrected indignantly. "Now, will you two help me get his face offa' that toilet?"

The three men stumbled towards Cloud and clumsily placed their hands around Cloud's hair, neck, and face, and pulled his head not too gently away from the seat. It was at that moment that Cloud decided it was time to purge his system of the alcohol once more. All in all, it was not a pretty picture.

"Blllaaahhhhrrrggg!"

"Oh, shit."

"Oh, shit!"

"Oh, shi't!"

And so Cloud found his face back in the toilet, this time a little too close to its contents for comfort, and Cid, upon seeing what Cloud had drank and eaten that night come back up, made a mad dash for the sink, as though his body just remembered the amount of alcohol that was coursing through it. Barret was cussing up a storm and yelling about how "damn disgustin'" the whole scene was, before he found his own head in the sink, rejecting the night's festivities. Vincent rubbed his forehead, which was plagued with an acute ache. His stomach, somehow, was fine. He decided in his drunken haze, that the only possible explanation for it was the fact that he had four demons in his body helping him absorb the alcohol.

"Thanks guys," he mumbled to his demons, patting his stomach in an odd show of appreciation.

When all was over, Vincent sat silently against the wall. This was all a bad idea, he decided. Cid would never allow him to live this one down. 'Figures that my idea would end up with four grown men being harmed in some way,' he thought to himself gloomily. 'Why not just beat the truth out of Cloud? Hell, what's the point in beating around the bush when disaster is completely inevitable? What's the point to anything, while we're at it?!'

Anger began to build up within Vincent, setting his blood boiling, like a volcano ready to rain terror down upon everything in its path. Violence, anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness, and desperation whirled violently together, like a storm ready to rip the earth apart. Chaos was coming...

With an inhuman roar, Chaos burst through the walls of Vincent's psyche. He possessed his body, transformed the seemingly frail man into a beast that hell itself couldn't spawn. He stood there, in all of his terrifying presence and then...

He belched. What was he doing in this bathroom? Why had Vincent summoned him? And why did he feel so...weird? And dear God, what was that awful smell?

Chaos stood awkwardly in the men's room of the Gold Saucer, feeling incredibly out of place in a room decorated with chocobos and bright bands of color. He scratched the back of his neck confused. Where were the monsters to fight? And just what had Vincent ingested that made him feel like the room was slightly spinning?

Finally, he noticed a man with whom he had fought along side on the battle field. Ah, that incredibly strong young fighter with the huge blade. Yes, he remembered that one. Only this time he wasn't slaying some horrible beast with the greatest of ease. This time his face was down in toilet bowl, and he seemed to be...sleeping?

He glanced to the sinks and recognized two other fighters. One was the slightly insane man that smoked a lot and occasionally fought with a mop for some odd reason, and the other was the burly man with the machine gun hand and the permanent scowl. They appeared to be asleep too, on the floor, snoring peacefully.

Chaos sighed. 'Humans,' he thought. 'No matter how long I inhabit one's body, they will never make the slightest bit of sense to me.'

Chaos stumbled towards the men, and hoisted Cloud out of the toilet and onto his back. He picked up Barret and Cid, tucked them under each of his arms like two large sacks of potatoes, and staggered to the door.

As Chaos stumbled out into the bar, heads, of course, turned. Silence settled over the entire pub as the people stared in absolute horror of the beast that stood before them. Chaos glanced around the room, feeling even more out of place than he had in the brightly decorated bathroom. Slowly, he took a step forward...and stopped, as a man suddenly screamed,

"Dear god, we're all dead!" The entire room erupted in a chorus of screams, and complete anarchy ensued. People started to run here and there, knocking each other to the floor, begging Chaos to please, _please, _not kill them. Tables tipped over, people trampled one another, women screamed, men cried, and the phrase, 'I don't want to die!' echoed throughout the pub.

Chaos rolled his eyes, and calmly stepped through the sea of people, wondering all the while how his host, Vincent, ever put up with anyone. 'No wonder he stayed in a coffin for 30 years,' he thought. He shook his head. 'Humans,' he thought disgustedly as he stepped through the door.

Meanwhile, back at the Highwind...

Tifa stumbled groggily out of her sleeping quarters to the kitchen. She was thirsty, and wondered if there was any milk in Cid's fridge that hadn't long passed the expiration date. Yawning, she pulled the door to the refrigerator open, and was relieved to see that someone (Vincent) had graciously bought new groceries, and thrown out whatever it was that Cid had been incubating in the refrigerator. She poured herself a glass of milk, and glanced up at the clock on the wall. 2:34 in the morning. It certainly was late...or early, depending on how you looked at it. She wondered if the boys were still out doing whatever it was that they were doing. Cloud had informed her that they were going to enjoy a night out with just the boys, and Tifa was glad to see that Vincent was a part of that group as well. 'Perhaps Cid is having a positive effect on him,' Tifa mused. 'He seems to be more social lately. It's a good thing to see.' She smiled and put the carton of milk back in the fridge.

Suddenly, she heard a horrible crash coming from the bridge of the Highwind. It sounded like someone was trying to force their way through the door...but, who? Tifa gasped as the thought of Sephiroth entered her mind. Her memory flashed images of the silver haired swordsman through her mind's eye: what she had seen him do on that ship, what she had seen him do in Nibelheim. All those people...dead at the hands of a single man....

Tifa closed her eyes tightly, and she took a few deep breaths. This was no time to panic. She needed to be strong for the sake of her companions, for the sake of everyone on the Highwind. She took another deep breath. She needed to find a pair of her fighting gloves, and she had to do it quick. She wasn't sure how much time she had wasted trying to calm her nerves, but she was silently cursing herself for it now. As quickly as she could, using her martial arts training to her benefit, she glided noiselessly through the halls of the airship, and back into her sleeping quarters. She didn't bother closing the door: there was too much of a risk of noise. Besides, one thing she had learned and trained herself to do, was to not hide. Closed-in places meant vulnerability if the enemy did find you. She left the door open, and her ears strained to hear anyone approaching her door. There was another loud bang from the bridge of the highwind, followed by footsteps. It was inside now.

Tifa shuddered, as she struggled to stay focused. Where had she put those damned gloves? Her hands fumbled through her things. Dammit, she was too nervous. Where had she put those gloves?

Suddenly, she remembered something Cid had done in the past when he had misplaced his spear. (How Cid had managed to misplace a spear taller than he was, Tifa would never understand.) He had grabbed an old mop from the Highwind, and started to wield it as though it were a deadly weapon out on the battlefield. He had looked ridiculous, and had gotten a fair share of laughs, but still, it had been surprisingly effective. Tifa darted from her room and down the hall to a storage closet. The mop had to be in there, and she was running out of time. The footsteps were slow, but definitely getting closer. She needed a weapon, and quick.

Luckily, Tifa found her hand on the door knob of the closet rather quickly. She opened the door, and there in the closet, bathed in moonlight, shining like excalibur, sat the mop. She ran her hand up the handle as though admiring a blade forged by a legendary swordsmith, exclusively for her, and no other warrior dared touch it. It was a lover to her, and any who stole it away would have to face her wrath. For this battle it was hers, and hers alone, this deadly, beautiful, powerful....mop. Tifa sighed as she unceremoniously tugged the cleaning utensil from the closet. Who was she kidding? She was doomed.


	15. ch15

Ch 15

Okay, so Vincent wasn't used to being drunk, and was even less adept at handling himself in an intoxicated state when in the terrifying form of Chaos. Carrying three ungainly, passed out men in his clutches was even more of an obstacle, given his current state. After drifting clumsily into several trees, and nearly dropping his incapacitated comrades from dangerous heights, he somehow found himself back home on the airship. Chaos knew instinctively where to go, although he scratched his head curiously upon entering the human contraption.

'So this is where the humans dwell,' he thought as he investigated his surroundings. Nothing was very familiar, and yet he knew it was the current dwelling of his host body. He had the overwhelming instinct that he wasn't supposed to be there, and would cause some serious unrest were he to be spotted.. He had to be quiet (easier said than done for the huge monster) and he had to find places to securely place the three drunk imbeciles he was carrying.

Chaos looked from one side to the other. When he realized that he was alone, (or at least, practically alone) he began to tiptoe. He traveled but a few steps before cringing at the ominous scrapes of his clawed feet. Tip-toeing on hooked, razor sharp claws that were four inches long was obviously not the best idea. Perhaps he could shuffle. Chaos took a few more steps.

_Scratch, scratch_. Chaos wasn't sure what a blackboard was, but the noise he was making was identical to what one sounded like if a cat were to scatter its clawed feet a cross it. Not pleasant at all. Perhaps he should just lay one foot in front of the other as slowly and carefully as possible?

_Thump, thump_... Well, now what? Chaos thought grumpily. Even when we walked slowly and deliberately, his hefty feet made a noise that gave off the impression that a mini herd of elephants were marching down the hallway of the Highwind. Had he ever done anything quietly?

Then, it dawned on him. His wings! As large and muscular as they were, he still could flap them pretty quietly, as long as he was slow about it. That was it! He would dispose of the three passed out humans in his clutches in a remote part of the ship, find an unoccupied room, go to sleep, and wake up in Vincent's psyche. It shouldn't have to be too hard, as long as he didn't get caught.

Chaos looked down at the three men in his arms, and sneered in disgust, at the sight and sudden realization that the large, gun-handed man was drooling peacefully on his chest. The younger blonde was snoring quietly, and the older blonde was mumbling something about puppies in his sleep. Better dispose of them as soon as possible, he thought disgustedly.

Then the demon glanced above him and saw the remarkably low ceiling that the ship had in it's hallway. It wasn't going to be easy to fly with those three in a drunken stupor that close to the ground. Heaving a heavy sigh, Chaos took flight, (well, sort of) a few inches above the floor, his wings batting slowly together, making quiet _whoosh _noises. He moved like molasses, his hulking body teetering slowly back and forth, trying to balance his own weight along with the others, and almost failing in a clumsy, and ridiculous motion. Now he was hoping that he wouldn't be caught due to sheer embarrassment, rather than causing a frightened stir amongst the inhabitants of the ship. Gigabeast would never let him live this one down.

Meanwhile, in a stuffy closet...

Tifa had been trying to keep her panicked, shallow breaths as quiet as possible, and felt that she was failing miserably. Every move, every slight noise she made, including her own palpitating heartbeat seemed to echo in her ears. Beads of sweat were rolling down her forehead, as she attempted to calm herself enough to wield the huge mop, and at least pretend that it had more strengths to it than the possibility of rendering foes helpless with laughter for a moment. She had been hearing some awful noises down the hallway, and they were getting closer to her. She had heard scraping noises, that could have only been that long and terrifying blade of Sephiroth's sword following it's master's footsteps. She had the heard some thumps, which surely must have been Sephiroth's heavy booted feet, coming up the hallway. She wished she had her fighting gloves with her now more than ever. She could fight with those like nobody's business, perhaps even up against Sephiroth. Perhaps.

Suddenly, a new noise was slowly creeping near her. She held her breath, half out of fear of being heard, and half out of her fear in general. She was tempted to stay in the closet and hide, but she cursed herself silently when the thought entered her head. She was no coward. She was Tifa Lockheart, martial arts master, and ex-bartender. Nobody could mess with that.

The noise was right outside the door of the closet now. Soon, the vile bastard would pass by the closet. Completely unaware of her presence, he'd be caught off guard as she jumped out of the supply closet behind him, and then...she'd beat him with...a mop. Well, he may have been full of Jenova cells, but he had to vulnerable to head trauma. He did have a human body, after all.

As the villain passed by her, she listened intently, absentmindedly clutching her chest, as if to quiet her heartbeat. The noise was a...whooshing sound? Well, obviously, it had to be Sephiroth's long jacket, trailing behind him and catching the air as he walked...or something. It didn't matter. He had passed by the closet. This was it.

Tifa clutched the broom handle with a deathlike grip, kicked the door open with a terrifying (or terrified, as it were) battle cry, and pummeled the evil thing with all of her might. Completely off of his guard, upon contact with the wooden handle, Sephiroth gave out a surprised...yelp? Tifa was a bit confused by the odd noise he had made, but didn't let up in her frenzied attack.

"Take that! And that! And this!" She bellowed, violently swinging the mop into...Chaos?

It took Tifa a moments to really realize that the large thing she was beating the hell out of was not Sephiroth, but Chaos, Cloud, Cid, and Barret. With a slow realization fighting it's way through her frantic instinct to defend herself, she absentmindedly landed a few more blows with the mop, slowly, and deliberately. She stopped herself finally, and stood in horror at what she had done.

Cloud, was rolling on the ground holding his head in pain, Barret, suddenly awake, was sitting straight up looking around him saying, "Huh? What happn'd?" and Cid was still asleep, snoring. Chaos was no longer Chaos but Vincent, as the hell beast had retired into Vincent forcibly, swearing up and down that he'd never help another human as long as he lived in between yelling at the laughing Gigabeast to shut up. Vincent was currently trying to focus his sight, and wandering how much of it was the alcohol, and how much of it was a concussion. Tifa was still in shock.

Meanwhile, RedXIII, Yuffie, and Cait Sith were running to the hallway wondering just what the hell had happened.

It was going to be a long time before Vincent, Cid, Cloud, Barret, and Tifa would ever hear the end of it.


	16. ch 16

Ch.16

"I'm so sorry! I really didn't know!" Tifa was still apologizing the next day at breakfast. Cid was drinking his tea, grumbling angrily about what a waste the previous night was. Cloud was trying to make Tifa understand that he wasn't angry, in between moaning about his hangover, and the lump on his head that was either inflicted by Tifa and Cid's mop, or by slamming his face into the toilet seat. Barret, who had an unusually high tolerance for alcohol, was busily chowing down on his oatmeal, happily hangover free. And Vincent was trying his hardest to not make Tifa feel any worse for her justified reactions the night before, even though it was incredibly hard for his to move his head without feeling like it was about to explode on his shoulders. He had suffered the brunt of the attack, and felt that, despite wanting to blame Cid for everything, that he very much deserved it. The rest of the Highwind seemed to be enjoying the whole situation, probably a little too much.

"Look, Tifa, none of us blame you for reacting the way you did, right guys?" Cloud looked around the table for assurance.

Barret looked thoughtful. "Could someone pass the suga', please?" Was all he responded, more worried about his hunger than the events of last night.

Cloud sighed, and looked to Cid. No help there.

"Why'd you hafta get so violent!" He yelled before holding his head in response to the throbbing pain that his yelling voice had prompted. Then, "You shoulda thought about what the hell you were doing, before you started beating the crap outta stuff!" Tifa looked crestfallen.

Finally, Vincent spoke up. "Cid, you telling someone to think before they act, is like Sephiroth getting angry for being snubbed as a Nobel Peace Prize contender."

"Hahaha! That's a good one Vinny!" Yuffie chimed in, her shrill voice eliciting some very pained moans from several of the others at the table, some of whom were not even suffering from head trauma or hangovers. Cid looked offended.

"You pipe down, brat!" he snapped angrily at her. Yuffie just opened her mouth and showed him her half chewed food, and went about eating. Cid turned to Vincent angrily.

"Last night was all yer plan in the first damn place! If it weren't for yer stupid little plan, Tifa wouldn't have gone on rampage against yer little pet demons!" He pounded his fist on the table for emphasis. Vincent glared menacingly.

"Pet demons? For your information, you ungrateful fool, if it weren't for Chaos, Cloud, Barret, and yourself would still be passed out in the men's room at the Gold Saucer!" He through his cape abruptly over his shoulder for emphasis.

The rest of the table looked baffled. "Vincent's plan?" Cloud asked quizzically. Cid shot a venomous glare at Cloud.

"Shut up, Spike, this don't concern you!" He turned back to Vincent and continued his yelling.

"Oh, I should be grateful for yer little hell beast! That hell beast screwed everything up last night, ya know!" He shot up out of his seat and continued to glare at Vincent. Vincent wasn't easily intimidated.

"Chaos screwed everything up!" he yelled indignantly. "You are out of your mind, old man! The whole plan was ruined the second you opened your fat mouth and started guzzling alcohol!" Now Vincent was out of his seat, leaning across the table angrily in Cid's face. The rest of the table were shooting glances back and forth between the two as they yelled, as if mesmerized by the ball at a tennis match. And what was this plan these two were talking about?

"Oh, so now it's my fault for drinkin' too much, huh? Well, you were pretty plastered yerself, Count Dracula, so don't go pointin' the finger at me! I almost had the truth out, too! And who the hell are you callin' old, you mummy!" Cid was ready to crawl over the table and pummel Vincent, when Vincent spoke up.

"That had nothing to do with me! If Cloud hadn't thrown up at that moment, we'd know by now, wouldn't we? And if you would have just called them by their proper name instead of "puppies" maybe we could have gotten an answer before it was too late, you daft idiot! And at least I don't _look_ like a mummy!" Vincent was shaking his claw now. Cid was about to grab that claw and show Vincent where he could stick it, when Cloud yelled,

"What the hell are you two talking about!" Cid and Vincent were about to yell back at Cloud, when they both realized what they had been talking about openly in their fits of anger.

"Aw, shit!" was all Cid could muster, until he plopped back into his seat, suddenly aware of how dizzy his frantic yelling had made him. Vincent stood for a moment more, hung his head in shame, and slowly took his seat. It was time to come out with the truth. There was no way around it. He looked at the faces around the table, deciding who had a right to know, and who'd better not know.

He looked at Tifa. Her pretty faced gazed at his questioningly, and Vincent had to look away. It would be so long before he would be able to look at that face straight on again. Then he looked to Cloud. Cloud was involved with Tifa, and both he and Cid had tried to use him the night before, so perhaps it would be the best thing to also inform him. Cloud would be angry, no doubt, but Vincent knew he deserved it. Then he looked to Barret. Well, Barret had been there last night by circumstance, so he didn't really need to know, but he might demand an explanation anyway. Then there was Red XIII, who probably would be amused and grateful to not be a human for once, but he would understand if he were left out of the loop. Cait Sith was a robot, so it wouldn't matter to him one way or the other, and Yuffie...well, they might as well stand atop the Highwind with a Megaphone and announce it to each city around the world if Yuffie were to know. Vincent took a deep breath.

"Yuffie, Cait Sith, Red XII, and Barret, please just finish your breakfasts. Cid and I have to discuss something with Cloud and Tifa in the other room." With that, Vincent stood up, and walked gloomily into the next room. Cid panicked, but followed him.

"Wait, Vinny! I didn't mean that mummy comment, honest! And I think it was nice of you hell beast to give us a lift home, ya know? Vinny, he, wait..."

Cloud shrugged, but followed the other two. Tifa looked worried, and wondered if this had something to do with Vincent and Cid coming out, followed the three men quietly.

"Hey, what are they going to talk about in there?" Yuffie asked, slightly annoyed that she couldn't make it a part of her business. Barret shook his head.

"It don't concern you, Yuff." He replied, helping himself to more toast. "But if ya git a juice glass, an' hold it up to the door, maybe it will." He smiled mischievously.

"Here! My megaphone will work better than a juice glass!" Cait Sith offered. Yuffie accepted eagerly.


End file.
